Requiem for Contentment
by Fiery Clover
Summary: **End of Part I**Severus is having a hard time dealing with himself. Hermione's sent to help him out and Dumbledore's worried. **Chapter 13- Past Lovers and Future Living**
1. Childish Games and Shards of Glass

A/N: Okay, so this is my first Harry Potter fic, so be kind. This does deal with themes of suicide and violence, and eventually some romance (I've got to set it up first). Of course Hermione is out of school so no teacher/student stuff, but there is that age difference. If that bothers you, I'm sorry, don't read this. I live off reviews, so please don't make me starve, feed the poor, 'tis the season, and all that. I think I've covered it all. So, with out further ado....

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my twisted ideas. Sadly Sev is property of J.K. Rowling, along with Hermione and Dumbledore. I just take them out to play sometimes. Oh, and I don't own any of KoRn's stuff either (sadly...) they're just cool guys who know what Sev's talkin' about here. Go, listen to you "Issues" CD, we'll wait...

A/N: I guess just a little ado...

****

***Requiem for Contentment***

"Albus, he can take care of himself."

"No Hermione, you see that's why I called you. I'm afraid he's rather worse than I first feared. Whatever the Dark Mark had in it is causing him severe pain still. Voldemort can't call him anymore, he can't make the mark burn red in his arm, but it's like an addiction now, and Severus can't pull himself out of the depression that's consumed him."

Hermione Granger, now 25 and an established witch, liked Severus Snape very little, but she liked even less the prospect of losing him to himself. She sighed and looked up into her old headmaster's wise eyes. "He won't talk to me. He hasn't so much as uttered a single syllable to me since Voldemort was defeated."

"Hermione, he hasn't uttered a single syllable to anyone since that time. I wouldn't have asked you to do something I know will cause you pain unless it was for a much greater good." Dumbledore sat back into his chair and sighed. He looked much older than she remembered, and the eyes that had always sparkled with amusement now held a deep grief. 

"Severus is like a son to me. In all the years I have known him he has never been the happiest man, but I have never seen him so cut off. There have been times when he has refused to speak to me, but then you were always there."

"I can't do this, Albus. He cut me off completely. I tried, for months I tried to talk to him, to get him to open up, but he's just gone."

Now Dumbledore leaned forward and Hermione wasn't sure, but she thought she saw a hint of desperation in his eyes. "Hermione, please."

They were two words that brought such sadness and wretched desperation with them that she couldn't refuse even if he had been asking her to take her own life. 

"I'll go to him," she paused, more determination seeped in to her voice, "but I can't promise anything. If he refuses to talk to me I'm not going to push him further. I promised myself I wouldn't play into his childish games anymore."

"Ah, but I believe this goes much deeper than Severus' famed stubbornness, something is very wrong with him, and for once I know not what to do."

Hermione smiled and touched his hand trying to put some hope back into his eyes. She rose to leave and Dumbledore looked up at her. "Thank you, child."

Hermione smiled and grabbed her cloak walking swiftly toward the door wondering just how he had talked her into it. 

Dumbledore leaned back into his chair and sipped his tea. "Please, Severus, if you just do one thing for yourself, let Hermione help you."

***

Severus Snape stood in his bathroom regarding himself through half-lidded eyes. He didn't just hate himself and his sallow, sour appearance, he loathed them. He imagined the reason he looked the way he did was because the darkness and evil in his heart had found a way to seep through the rest of him. Perhaps it was the very little goodness in him that let it show, this way no good, pure person would want to be near him, least of all touch him.

In moments of real self-pity, or times when he was so near someone who he longed to know he wished he didn't look so vile. He yearned for the affection of someone other than Dumbledore, preferably a woman, a very particular woman. 

He looked down into the sink. If he had been cursed with such a horrible appearance then perhaps he was meant to be alone. Maybe if it was just his appearance he could console himself with thoughts of a shallow world that just couldn't look deeper than his crooked nose. However, Severus knew it was much more than an ugly face that kept people away. His soul -- what was left of it at least -- was stained. He could never remove the pain he had caused, or blood he had spilt. 

_The blood of the slain can only be washed away by our own, Severus. We couldn't have that now could we? Listen, Snape, they're muggles and mudbloods. They won't matter in the end and when our Lord takes control you won't even remember half the blood you've shed._

"That's the problem, Lucius, you murdering prick." More and more as of late Severus caught himself speaking out loud to the voices in his head. He knew it was unhealthy, but Lucius' voice was more and more realistic. Severus tried to tell himself Lucius was dead, he couldn't be speaking to him, but he felt the icy breath of a dead man brush past his ear. Sometimes, in moments of deepest self-loathing he felt the chill from within and heard Lucius louder than ever. 

Snape looked back in the mirror and heard the voice again. 

_We'll cleanse ourselves with their blood, Snape. We can purify ourselves and our Lord with the blood of muggles. We'll have plenty of entertainment with the mudbloods and squibs agony. That mark doesn't come without perks, Snape._

"Shut-up."

_Now, now, Severus, you don't want anyone to think you're crazy do you?_

Severus raised his arm and struck the mirror, breaking it into shards of glass lying in the sink and on the floor. 

_How do you suppose you'll explain that one?_

"I don't plan on anyone seeing it."

_I do believe a certain Ms. Hermione Granger plans on visiting you this evening. _

"How the hell would you know Lucius, you're dead. In fact you're not even talking to me. I don't know why I waste the breath to speak out loud to something that doesn't exist."

_Are you sure I don't exist? I know you can feel me, inside you when you hate, behind you when you try to pull yourself out. I'll never leave you, Snape. You're the reason our Lord fell, the reason I fell._

"I'm through with this. Go back to hell Lucius."

_Ah, but you're personal hell is much more intriguing. _A pause. _ Fine, fine, I'll go back for now, I can see you're contemplating something quite interesting to some, but after a while, Sev, you're suicide attempts get boring._

Then he was gone, and for a brief moment Severus felt something akin to contentment. It was fleeting, however, and soon his thoughts became morbid and black. He dropped to the floor and picked up a shard of broken glass. "So my attempts get boring, eh?" He pressed his finger to the edge of the glass and felt the skin break. "Perhaps, Lucius it's not death I wish for but escape from your mind-numbing chatter."

Severus chuckled at that and began to cut. They always began small and thin, you wouldn't be able to tell they were there if it weren't for the blood. Eventually when he had lost enough blood he began to get careless and they became deeper and flesh was gouged out rather than sliced. Perhaps his own blood would cleanse him.

***

Finally he's gone. What bothers me most about his incessant chirping is not what he says-- nothing can make me loathe myself more than I already do-- it's that I can feel it. I'd rather not feel anything at this point. If the memories entrenched in my mind would just find another place to hang instead of over my head for just a few moments I could feel at least the smallest bit of contentment. 

The blood can make me numb sometimes, and other times it makes me remember. So really it's a gamble, one I'm willing to take. Numbness is something I would give anything for. If I knew death would bring complete oblivion I would take the plunge. But I am to spineless to bring myself to that point willingly. Sometimes when the cuts begin to dig deep I think it might be easy to just move the blade to my wrists, or maybe my neck, but sometimes I pass out before I can make it, and sometimes I'm too weak to cut deep enough, and sometimes I remember that at one point I was getting up for a reason other than I didn't want to disappoint Dumbledore.

Now I have to cut deeper because I know I ruined that too. Anything I touch is soiled. A little bit of my sin is passed on. The hands that have seen so much blood --even if recently it's been only mine-- are never rid of that stain. Dumbledore looks at me and pities me and loves me I think, but he's not enough. No matter how much I want to pretend that I don't care that no one sees past the Dark Mark, it cuts me more than this glass. 

The real reason I can't bring myself to die --and this I rarely admit to myself-- is that I can't separate myself from the mark. It has permeated my mind, body, and soul. It needs me to live and it's become a kind of addiction that I can't free myself from. I love the mark, I am one with it, and so it's the one place I never touch with a blade. For one solitary moment I felt that I was a part of something that was going to change everything, and I was more right than I would have liked. 

My vision begins to cloud... The mark is my addiction... One... Together... I want to die...

***********

**__**

*** Hey Daddy*** 

Let me see (let me see)   
All my life has been (taken) taken   
This demon (haunts me) haunts me   
They're waiting (help me)   
Help me 

You fuck me up   
I'm gagged and bound   
You pick me up   
When I am down   
I cannot live without them   
I do not live without them 

Hey Daddy   
They are taking me   
Away   
Biting   
Facing him (what soul)   
My soul   
They're eating (help me)   
Please help me 

You fuck me up   
I'm gagged and bound   
You pick me up   
When I am down   
I cannot live without them   
I do not live without them 

They say this thing inside me   
Wants to get out   
All it does is scream and shout   
I'm trying not to let them out   
They tell me to hurt myself   
But I'm not gonna listen 

You fuck me up   
I'm gagged and bound   
You pick me up   
When I am down   
I cannot live without them   
I do not live without them 

Hey daddy   
(waiting)

***(KoRn, Issues, "Hey Daddy")***


	2. The Clean Up Game

A/N: Okay, Merry Christmas all! This will eventually have some humor in it, even if it is dark.(That's the funniest kind!) I will explain exactly what their relationship was before Volemort's defeat, and just after. There's something not quite on the surface going on, but you'll just have to wait and see. Please, please, please, please, please, please, review, I seriously am going to waste away without them...

Disclaimer: Like I said before, they ain't mine, give all the credit to the goddess J.K.R.

***

"Why I let Dumbledore drag me into these things I'll never know," mumbled Hermione Granger as she walked quietly up the steps to the home of Severus Snape. She hadn't set foot on this path for a few months now and she felt clumsy and awkward on her return. "He had better talk to me, I didn't come all this way for nothing."

She reached the door and stood for a moment taking in deep breaths. "For Merlin's sake, Granger, he's just another man, you can handle him." But Hermione knew deep down that was the farthest thing from the truth. Severus had always had a power over her that she didn't understand. In the years when they had been good friends he could always command her attention without even seeming to try. He had cost her Viktor, and almost her friendship with Ron, but then Ron had always hated Snape, and that would never change. 

She raised her hand to knock and realized that it was close to one in the morning. She started to debate whether or not she should wake him but soon enough she decided it was now or never. She pounded on the door a few times. It wasn't the most pleasant sound to wake up to, but his house was rather large and if he were in the far recesses that might be the only way he could hear her.

Hermione waited for a few moments then started to knock again. "He's going to answer this door," she thought, "or I'll break it down."

***

A dull thud began in the back of Severus' head. His eyes fluttered open and he grimaced. He'd gotten a bit carried away with the glass apparently. He really didn't have the will to do anything about it, however, and continued to lie, bleeding on the floor. 

The thud became more pronounced and he realized it was from an outside source, not just inside his head. He felt the icy chill and Lucius' voice wasn't far behind.

_Damn you, Snape, get up! _

Severus grunted and closed his eyes again.

_The mudblood Granger's at your door, Snape. Can't imagine why'd she want to talk to you, but she's here and I don't think she's going to leave._

Lucius' terminology sparked a hint of anger in Severus that quickly died down when a wave of nausea hit him. "She'll leave, just wait."

_Do you want to even keep a semblance of sanity? Get the mudblood out of here now! She'll find you like this Severus, and then you'll be stuck in some room unable to make any memories go away._

Severus began to pull himself to his feet but felt too dizzy to move. He leaned over the sink and retched into the bowl now covered in blood and broken glass. Finally he pulled himself up and wrapped a towel around his arm walking down stairs. 

_That's a boy, you can come back to play once she's gone._

Lucius' voice left him and Severus reached the door, covered in a cold sweat and blood running down the right side of his body. Hermione's pounding was getting louder and more annoying with each rap at the door. He opened it just a crack as her hand began to descend again.

They both stared at each other for a moment speechless. Hermione regained control first and stuck her foot in the door. Severus would have snarled if he had the energy but all he could do was gawk at her foot unable to move it. 

"Severus we need to talk. Something's not right with you."

"Ms. Granger, please... remove your foot... from my door... and allow me... to return to bed." Severus was having a hard time getting anything out of his mouth. His brain was foggy and he couldn't really see properly.

Hermione looked closer at Snape. His eyes weren't focusing, and he was breathing heavily. She noticed his forehead was drenched in sweat and his hair was disheveled more than she had ever seen it, and that was saying quite a bit. "Severus, have you been drinking?"

He smiled at that, but it was a mirthless smile that left his head in more pain than before. "No, Ms. Granger, I.... have not... been drinking. I'm perfectly fine... now please, get out."

"Since when did you call me Ms. Granger, and why are you..." She stopped mid-sentence and brought her hand closer to her face. She had gripped the inside of the door trying to pry it open but she came into contact with something warm and sticky. She watched, horrified as blood trickled down her fingers. She looked up at him, no he seemed even paler than before if that was possible, and he tried to swallow but his mouth was dry.

"Oh, gods, Severus what have you done?" He tried to slam the door, taking her by surprise but she was quicker and slipped inside grabbing his shoulders and looking at him. His robes were in tatters, ripped and cut in places. Pieces of his hair were stuck together with blood. Most of his right side was covered in sweat and blood and his body was stark white, the blood and his hair making the color seem even more surreal.

He swayed there for a moment, his eyes going in and out of focus, looking angry, hurt, and most of all dead, before he collapsed into a heap of robes and bloodied flesh. Hermione fell to her knees at his side checking his neck for a pulse. It was weak and erratic, he wouldn't last for long if she didn't find a way to repair his wounds. 

"I've got to get him cold and stop the blood flow," she thought aloud. "Oh, gods, Severus, what the hell were you thinking?" 

Hermione pulled out her wand and murmured a levitation spell causing him to lift off the ground slightly. She directed him up the stairs and into the bathroom, but once she saw the disarray it was in she steeled herself against the image, remembering to come back later and clean it up, and reached another bathroom with a large tub and sink. She lowered him to the ground as softly as she could and went to the cabinet looking for something to stop the blood.

"Hang in there, Severus, we'll have you back to your snarling self in no time." She was really talking more to keep herself from succumbing to the shock than encourage him, she knew _that _was probably useless. Finally she found a bottle of pepper-up potion, that would at least bring him to, then she could find where he kept his more potent concoctions. 

She lifted his head and tilted the vial against his lips. He drank slowly, but drank it all and soon looked a little farther from death. "Where do you keep the good stuff, Severus? I know you have something that can stop the blood." He looked like he wouldn't be much help for a moment, but she sighed and he whispered the location of his potions closet.

A few moments later Hermione returned with three vials and made him drink each quickly, before she began to remove his robes. He grabbed her wrist to try to stop her but she shook him off easily, he was still very weak. "Don't be modest, Sev, it's not like I haven't seen it all before, just relax and let the potions go to work."

He looked a little alarmed and she smiled. "What did... you give me?" he managed to croak out.

"You don't need to worry about that now, just let me clean you up." The sleeping draught she gave him began to kick in and his eyes began to close even though he was trying his hardest to keep them open. She smiled and kissed his forehead. "You'll be fine, I'm not going to hurt you."

She managed to remove his robes in just a few minutes and started to fill the tub with lukewarm water hoping it wouldn't be hot enough to convince blood to flow even against the potions she had given him. She lowered him in keeping his right arm out of the water and allowing the blood where no cuts were to wash away. Eventually his body, excluding his arm, was clean and she waved her wand and muttered something under her breath --not wanting to wake him-- that cleaned the water.

Severus was beginning to stir and Hermione grabbed another vial of sleeping draught. When she turned to bring it to him his eyes were open and finally focusing. "Here, drink this, and let me clean up that arm."

Severus shook his head and looked away. "You can go now, I think I've been sufficiently humiliated for one night, thank you."

Hermione sighed and walked over to him, leaning down and offering the vial to him. "Listen, I don't want to argue with you right now. Drink this and let me finish up."

"I didn't ask you to come here, I didn't even ask for your help. I don't give a damn if Dumbledore sent you, or if you just decided that it was time to take pity on me. I don't need this, I can care for myself."

Hermione didn't say anything but pushed the vial closer to him. Something flashed in his eyes, she could see it even though he wasn't looking at her. He grabbed the potion out of her hand and threw it against the opposite wall.

"Leave."

"No."

"I don't need you."

"Severus, for Christ sake, you can't even move your arm to clean it." He looked down and for the first time seemed to realize the blood flow to his arm had stopped and it was as if things had frozen from his right shoulder down. "I stopped the blood flow, but that can't go on for very long or it will do permanent damage. I need to clean it now before your arm begins to die."

Severus sighed, and looked away. Hermione knew this to be the invitation she had been waiting for and gathered gauze, a tub of cool water, and some towels from the sink. She lifted his arms into the tub and rinsed it clean of dried blood. She couldn't help but grimace at the deep wounds she uncovered. There were bits of glass stuck in some of them, he must have been using enough force to break the shards. She removed any foreign objects from his arm with a wave of her wand and searched for any tendons or ligaments she needed to repair. Finishing any internal work she began to release the blood, allowing it to flow freely into his once frozen limb. 

When the blood began to clot she looked up with a smile that quickly faded. Severus had his jaw clenched tighter than she thought possible, his left fist clenched hard enough that if he had long enough fingernails it would have drawn blood, and he was staring, fixatedly at the mark on his arm.

"Severus, what's happened to you?"

His hand turned and he gripped the side of the tub, his knuckles white with the force of it. He turned to her, the anger and malice that she had expected to see where absent, but in their place was something much worse. He looked paler than she had ever seen him, his eyes were bloodshot and haunted. No man who looked like this could ever laugh, or even smile, he was empty.

"I don't know," he muttered, and then, he wept.


	3. Mind Games and Dangerous Waters

A/N: Okay, so if you haven't seen "Sense and Sensibility" I highly recommend it. If you're not an Alan Rickman fan after that one, you'll never like the guy. I had to pull myself away from my new Snape poster and Colonel Brandon to write this, and I hope it doesn't get too dark. I'm trying to see Snape's darker side, or the one he seems to think consumes him in this particular fic. The whole mind game thing intrigues me and I think Severus would be a master at it, particularly the kind portrayed in the coming scenes. If it starts out too slow for you, sorry, but read to the end because I really believe that can't be too slow for anyone. (But then, I can watch the "English Patient" a hundred times and never get bored, so maybe I'm wrong.) Oh, and so I apologize for the grammatical mistakes in previous chapters, I know they suck, but you know what I mean... Okay, enough rambling, on with the fic!

Disclaimer: Thank you J.K. for Sev, without him I would not have this fic to get all my twisted imagination out. So yeah, everything you recognize belongs to her, probably even some things you don't. Oh and KoRn too, don't own any o' their stuff (sadly).

***

Severus didn't quite feel the arms that went around him and held for some time. All he could feel now were the racking sobs and the pain in his arm and deep in his soul. He was humiliated, totally and utterly humiliated. Here he was, naked, weeping, seriously injured and being held by probably the last person on earth who wanted, even remotely, to touch him. He couldn't bring himself to wonder what had brought her to him, the thought of her pity made him even more uncomfortable. He was trying, Merlin knew he was trying, to keep from descending further into the drowsiness that had suddenly overtaken him, but he couldn't help himself. The sobs seemed to be pulled from his core and they ripped their way out of his body. Nothing was more painful than this, than the horrible mental and emotional pain, capped by a mutilated arm and a headache that made him nauseous. 

He briefly remembered being lifted and dried, dressed, and lowered into his bed. Her hands were on him again, and she was so gentle he could of sworn she actually cared, but dismissed the notion immediately as impossible given the way he had treated her. She stroked his tear streaked face and he felt like a foolish child. His cries became more angry, bitter, and frustrated as he fought to stay awake and stop his tears. Hermione kept him from rising and tried a few comforting words which seemed only to further enrage him. Finally he fell asleep, weary from the pain and exertion of weeping. 

Hermione remained in a chair she had moved next to his bed. She had only had the chance of watching him sleep a few times before, and they were never pleasant, he had either been fighting a curse or sickness, or they had been taking shifts sleeping and watching somewhere, waiting for Death Eaters. Now there was his future sanity to worry about, but she could still watch him much more at ease than any time in the past. 

She wondered if he had ever been a child with no worries and lacking the sarcasm and sour countenance that would be his future trademarks. Hermione seriously doubted that. But now, when she watched him sleeping he looked like he could have been at one time. Innocent, loving, carefree, these were definately not the characteristics of Severus Snape but she liked to think one day they could be. 

"If he could only forgive himself," she thought absently. "Everyone forgave you long ago, Severus," she whispered to his sleeping form. "And you never lost me, no matter how hard you tried."

***

Severus woke the next morning with a bitch of a headache and a right arm that felt as if it were on fire. He was afforded a brief moment of confusion-induced bliss before the memories flooded back. He glanced over to see Hermione's head resting on the bed next to him. She had most likely been attempting to stay awake all night, but had failed miserably. A smile twitched the corners of his mouth and he reached up to a strand of hair away that seemed to be tickling her nose. She remained sleeping and he stood, careful not to wake her, he walked to the foot of the four poster and grabbed a blanket to cover her. 

As much as it pained him to admit it, he was more than thankful that she had shown up the previous night. The scene before him was enough to convince him life was worth it for a while longer. Of course, there was no way in hell he'd let her know she had done the right thing. She would flee from the house when she woke up, hurt and/or embarrassed by some insensitive, ungrateful, and completely Snapish comment he'd make, and that would be that. He couldn't allow her to stay, to see how much he enjoyed her presence, the way she effected him every time she looked at him. Dumbledore would explain why he had done it, and she wouldn't understand, but it would keep her away, and that's all that mattered. No one deserved to be attached to a man who wasn't close to redemption, even after all he'd done to make up for his past actions. It wasn't Voldemort that made him evil, it was his nature.

Snape walked to the window and waited for her to wake, he had to plan everything perfectly. If she noticed the slightest chink in his armor --and she was the master at noticing them-- she would realize exactly what he was after. She'd be insulted --extremely insulted-- but she would stay, and try to convince him that she would be fine with him, that they could be friends and he wouldn't harm her. She didn't understand that telling him that was like trying to tell a werewolf that they could learn to be tame during the full moon. He couldn't control it, it was a part of him that ruled his actions. If Hermione tried to convince him there would be no problem, she would undoubtedly succeed, because it was what he wanted so desperately that just one logical reason, no matter how flimsy, would override his better judgment.

He heard her stir behind him and turned. She rubbed her eyes and looked up, smiling at him. He felt his resolve weaken. "Good morning," she said, still partly asleep.

"Yes, well, everything seems to be taken care of, so you're free to leave now if you wish, which I'm sure you do." He turned briskly and went into the bathroom, closing the door with a very firm slam that meant it was the end of the conversation. At least that's what she knew he intended, it didn't deter her in the least. 

Severus leaned against the sink, his breathing ragged and his whole body weak. He knew his request that she leave wasn't sufficient, but he wasn't sure he could command anything from her when she looked at him that way.

The door opened and he looked at her incredulously. "If you'll please excuse me Ms. Granger, I do believe the door was closed for a reason."

"Oh please, Sev, you're going to have to try a lot harder than that to piss me off." There was a gleam in her eyes he wasn't sure he liked.

"Firstly, please refrain from calling me that, and secondly, I'm not attempting to "piss you off" as you so eloquently put it, I'm trying to convey to you, as politely as I can-"

"Which isn't saying a lot," she smiled wickedly.

"Convey, as politely as I can," he said through gritted teeth, "that I would prefer it if you left the premises now."

Hermione rolled her eyes and looked in the mirror, and in just a few moments --all of which Severus seethed through-- she applied her make-up, brushed her teeth (still choosing to use the muggle practice so ingrained in her mind as a child) and fixed her hair into a tight, but not extreme, bun. She turned to Snape and smiled, the way she knew infuriated him most, and walked back into the bedroom.

He looked into the mirror, steeling his resolve and followed her. "Time to use the lowest ones you know," he thought. "Don't you have someone to get home to, the brute from Durmstrang or something?"

Hermione turned slowly, that wound was not fully healed, and Severus damned well knew it. "You know what happened with Viktor, and I know what you're doing. Stop."

"Ah yes," he continued, ignoring her last few words, "Viktor Krum, the Quidditch chump." He could see Hermione growing red with anger. "Didn't the reason you two failed have something to do with our relationship?"

"You know the answer to that, and I'm not leaving."

"You leave me no choice but to cut deeper then, child," he thought gravely. "Of course, I could understand where he was coming from, you did seem rather loose around certain people, never one for discretion where you?"

"You're making it much more difficult for me to be civil, Severus."

"There's one step at least, she's not calling me 'Sev' anymore." He walked closer to her and began to circle, the technique had always worked when teaching. No one could stand him watching them like a vulture. "And how did young Mr. Weasley feel when he found out you're dashing Mr. Krum had left you because of me? Was he disgusted?"

"Snape you're treading dangerous water here."

"Am I?" He stopped behind her and placed his hands on her hips, so gently she didn't feel it until he tightened his grip slightly. "Answer the question Ms. Granger. Was young Ron horrified? Could he look you in the eyes? And don't forget Mr. Potter, I recall a certain instance in which he was ready to do some harm to me because he assumed I had done something to make you feel that way." 

Hermione was dizzy with anger and an odd arousal that she hated. He had always been able to do that to her. She hated him for that, she hated his hands on her and his breath on her neck, but she didn't think she could stand without his support, and she loved it all at the same time. "Severus, please."

Her pleading voice was enough to stop him dead in his tracks, but only for a brief moment and he recovered soon enough, she was vulnerable now, he could ask her to do almost anything. He pulled her hips to him and pressed against her. Even if his grip wasn't vice-like, she wouldn't have been able to move away from him. "And now, Ms. Granger, how did _you_ feel? Was it exciting to want something so soiled? It was exciting for you, wasn't it?" it wasn't a question he wanted her to answer. 

Severus was becoming truly ashamed of himself, no matter how hard he tried to deny it, he loved the way this was making him feel. The knowledge that he was using a dangerous tool, one that always hurt him as well, but it hurt Hermione even more seemed insignificant. How could she not be appalled that she was truly excited by this game, just as much as he was. She could feel him pressing into her, could feel his arousal which revolted and excited them both.

He leaned down, his breath closer, on her neck, by her ear. "Viktor was a good face, Ron was a good friend, but you wanted something so much more substantial. You wanted me Hermione, you still want me." He gripped her harder around the waist and let his tongue caress the sensitive flesh behind her ear. When his hot breath replaced the contact she made a sound that was suspiciously similar to a whimper. 

"Oh, gods," he thought, "I can't do this." But he continued anyway. His mind screaming, his heart weeping, and his body reacting in a way he hadn't felt since he had last touched her. 

His mouth descended again on her bare neck and she moaned slightly, he wasn't sure he could take it much more. He had only wanted to scare her, to make her leave, but now he had gone to far and he couldn't pull back even if he wanted to. Her arms suddenly regained movement, but instead of pulling him away she reached behind him and pulled him closer.

"Oh, Lord, Hermione, stop now! You don't want to let him do this to you, or to himself. He'll kill himself when he thinks about this. You should have left, dammit, why didn't you listen to him?" Her mind was racing, she couldn't recall a time she wanted anything this badly and at the same time wished desperately she could stop herself.

His tongue flicked over her ear and she lost all restraint. "Fuck it, he's a big boy now, he can deal with his mistakes," she thought before switching off her brain.

She turned and pressed against him, looking up into his eyes, the ones that had captivated her from the moment she first saw them, she captured his mouth in a bruising kiss.

Severus returned it and pushed he back against the desk, his carefully organized papers now flung to the floor along with vials of potions he hadn't returned to the closet. The bed was just as close, and looking back he imagined he chose the desk out of recognition that this was not about treating her well in any way, but satisfying his needs. 

Hermione wrapped her legs around him pulled him close, moving her mouth to his bare chest, planting tiny desperate kisses where she could manage. She helped him remove her robes, one layer at a time, but quickly and with no heed to their future use. Buttons got in the way and so were ripped from their places. 

Regret was already swelling in her mind, but she pushed it away fiercely, this had been what she wanted only a few months ago, and she wanted it more than she imagined she could want anything now. She refused to believe that she cared how she came by it, she just wanted him, all of him.

Severus wasn't taking his time, he wanted to claim her now, to make her his forever. He pulled her hard against him and groaned, just feeling her body in contact with his for a moment. 

"I love her." The thought, the emotion rather, stopped him immediately. The feel of her against him, no doubt, aroused him physically, but he didn't want to use her like this. His hands continued to roam her body, and she continued to moan beneath him, but something was wrong in the back of his mind.

_Fuck her! Dammit, Snape, do you have to think about everything. She wants you, you can have her and throw her away. She's your property now. You have the touch, why you never use it is beyond me, but you have it, Snape. Now fuck the mudblood and then punish her for letting you._

The realization that somewhere, deep down in him, Severus wanted to just fuck Hermione and then make her sorry she let it happen, killed a part of him. He couldn't love her, he didn't know how, he just wanted to own her. 

Hermione moved to his pants, her hands began to slide them down his hips. 

_Oh, shit, Snape, don't go soft now._

Snape's hand moved faster than either of them thought possible and grabbed her wrist, tightly. "Oh, gods, Hermione, what am I doing to you?"

They looked at each other for a moment, helplessness and despair glittering guiltily in his eyes. His hands went to her face and he tried to find forgiveness somewhere. Shame, anger, and betrayal began to creep into her eyes. She turned to look at the wall and any hope he had of her understanding departed. He pulled himself --though all he wanted to do was apologize-- from the room and fled to his library.

Hermione was left with his torn robes, her shame, and only the sound of her still ragged breathing.

*** **Make Me Bad *****

****

I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation   
There's so much much shit around me   
Such a lack of compassion 

I thought it would be fun and games   
(it would be fun and games)   
Instead it's all the same   
(it's all the same)   
I want something to do   
Need to feel sickness   
In You 

I feel the reason, as it's leaving me   
No, not again   
It's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling   
The flesh made me bad

All I do is look for you   
I need a fix   
You need it to   
Just to get some sort of attention   
Attention 

What does it mean to you?   
For me, it's somthing I just do   
I want something   
I need to feel the sickness in you 

I feel the reason, as it's leaving me   
No, not again   
It's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling   
The flesh made me bad

(KoRn, "Made Me Bad", Issues)


	4. It Starts

A/N: Yay! I finished another installment. I know, I know, you don't really care, but I stayed up later than I intended to get this baby out. Okay, so this goes back to the relationship they had before the fall of Voldemort, this will probably take up one or two more chapters. If it gets tedious, please let me know, as always I love feed back. Please, please, please tell me what you want to keep going, to stop, changes, ideas, anything. I really don't have this thing mapped out, I just have one scene I'm desperate to do, but other than that I'm going where the wind takes me, or rather where the reader wants to go. (Am I assuming too much in thinking anyone reads this enough to care? I certainly hope not.) Now enjoy a civil Snape and Hermione, before he takes her to the edge and then screws everything up...

Disclaimer: They ain't mine, talk to J.K.R.

*** 

:: 5 Months Prior ::

Hermione sat with Crookshanks purring contentedly on her lap, waiting for Severus to finally show up. She knew he would reject her immediately but when he was too weak to move she would always be there to assist him in cleaning and healing up. When she had first been charged with caring for Severus after his bouts with the Death Eaters she couldn't have been more annoyed. The man who had made her life a living hell at Hogwarts was now going to do it on an inconsistent yet frequent basis all over again. However, only a few meetings later she had developed a deep affinity for the man, and she suspected he had her. Now, a year later, it was undeniable, Snape and Hermione were actually friends. 

She sighed, he usually wasn't this late coming back from his meetings. She tried not to worry --it wouldn't do either of them any good-- and started to pace in spite of herself. Crookshank's insistent pleas to be held were interrupted suddenly by the door opening quietly, shutting, and then the sound of a body hitting the floor. Hermione grabbed her wand and walked --trying to calm herself down-- swiftly to his prone body. 

"Oh, Lord, Severus, what did they use?" She knelt at his side and gently rolled him onto his back careful not to jar any bones that weren't intact. He groaned quietly and his eyes fluttered open. 

"Cruciatus, and some muggle device," he winced, "I don't know exactly what it did." Hermione reached to open his robes to assess the damage but he stopped her. "Just get the potions."

"How am I supposed to know which if I can't see what the problem is?" she asked, a little annoyed at his stubbornness and with herself for assuming he had changed at all since the last time. 

"Go to my personal cabinet," he reached into his robes gingerly and pulled out a key. 

He turned suddenly and let out a groan that ended up a scream. His body constricted suddenly and he curled into a fetal position, his eyes wide with indescribable pain. Hermione had no clue as to what she should do next. He was gasping for air now, his hands balled into tight fists, every muscle tense and in agony. She had no clue where his personal cabinet would be, or what potions she should get out of it. He didn't seem able to speak anytime soon, but he needed help, this was something worse than Cruciatus.

She looked frantically around the room and Severus hand clutched her robes suddenly. "My bathroom," he gasped, "under the sink. Bring all of them."

If the situation had not been so serious she would have thought it vaguely amusing that Severus Snape used a muggle device of that sort to keep his most potent creations, and under the sink no less. She ran this time, up the stairs and returned quickly with three bottles, all with a dark liquid that seemed to suck color into it like a black hole rather than give off any of it's own.

Snape had recovered enough to reach for one bottle and uncork it, he drank quickly. He fell back as soon as he swallowed the last drop and some muscles seemed to relax slightly, but his eyes were still full of a wordless suffering and his fists were still clenched tightly.

Hermione moved closer and uncorked another bottle, putting it lightly to his lips. He opened his mouth and drank again, this time with less of a hunger, but still somewhat frantically. Once more, some muscles relaxed, but still his eyes were wide. She moved the final bottle to his mouth and this time he seemed completely at ease, his eyes closed slowly and he began to breath normally, not the ragged gasping for air that had characterized his earlier actions.

After a few minutes she could tell he was asleep and pulled her wand out of her robes casting a levitation charm and floating him as carefully as she could into his bed. She removed his robes with a simple spell and tried to avoid glancing at him when he was completely exposed, she replaced his robes with simple cotton pants and moved the blankets to cover him. She stopped when she noticed faint scars on his right arm. From the look of them they had been building up for some time and she couldn't tell for sure but she guessed they were self-inflicted. 

She covered his chest and left side but took his arm gently in her hands and looked a bit closer. Some were around his wrist, others higher up, none had healed properly, he'd probably cast a quick healing spell and left it at that. If he had done that much. For a moment longer she traced them lightly with her fingers, glancing up ever so often to make sure he wasn't stirring. Finally she tucked it under the blankets with the rest of his body and sat on the side of the bed watching him sleep. 

He looked so peaceful then, not at all the type to inflict any kind of pain on himself, but then she didn't know what he did when she left him after giving him a few potions and healing a few broken bones. He stirred suddenly and woke with a start, a cold film of sweat glistening on his brow. 

He looked frantically about the room for a moment, his eyes still glazed over with sleep and the effects of the sleeping draught he'd taken. Finally they settled on Hermione's form and focused there. 

"Shouldn't you be getting home, you've done more than enough, once again."

Hermione wondered how he had kept his voice so even when it was obvious from his body language that something in his sleep had terrified him. "I think I'll stay here tonight, if that's alright with you. I don't suspect Viktor's waiting up for me, and I'm rather tired." He eyed her suspiciously. "Not really up for the ride home, you know?"

His mouth twitched but he said nothing, just nodded. He looked over to the opposite wall and began to speak softly. "There's another room across the hall. It hasn't been used in quite some time as you may suspect. However, I believe it is adequate for a night's lodging."

She couldn't believe it, his hands were shaking almost violently, more sweat was forming on his brow and yet his voice was as silky as ever. "Ahh, yes I'm sure it is." She paused, not wanting to leave him alone. "Is there anything else I can do, any ribs broken, you were out much more quickly than usual tonight."

He could see the concern in her eyes, and it was more than evident in her voice. "Ms. Granger," he said attempting to get as much annoyance into his voice as he could manage, "you have done more than enough. My wounds are not serious, those potions took care of everything that needed immediate attention."

"He's trying to get me out," she thought. "Well, what about the ones that need not-so-immediate attention?"

"Why the hell is she stalling?" He sighed, now worried she had seen something to make her want to watch him more closely. "I can take care of them, thank you." 

They stared at each other for a moment longer. Eventually Hermione made some lame excuse about wanting to get home early and that she needed some rest. He agreed wholeheartedly as she knew he would and smiled slightly as she closed the door behind her.

She conjured something to sleep in and settled in. She tried to listen to every move in the room across the hall, but soon sleep began to overtake her. "He'd probably cast a silencing charm if he wanted to do anything horrible anyway," she thought before she surrendered to sleep.

***

Not more than an hour later she woke to the a loud thud from the hall. She bolted out of bed, grabbed her wand, and flung open the door. He lay there, bleeding from a small slash on his arm, curled up in a ball trying to keep a desperate scream from escaping his lips. Apparently the Cruciatus hadn't worn off completely yet. Hermione dropped to his side and stroked his face lightly. It was all she could think to do, all this miracle potion was gone --at least as far as she knew-- and she didn't know exactly what brand of torture Voldemort had used to last this long and cause such horrible fits of agony. 

Ultimately, Severus was unable to keep his cries silent and a scream of such horrible anguish came unbidden from his mouth that Hermione was unable to recall a time when she felt more empathy for any being. She felt as if his suffering was hers and she shuddered to think of what he must have been going through.

"Severus?" He didn't seem to hear her. "Severus, please, what can I do?"

He looked up into her eyes, and with great effort, shook his head slightly and closed his own eyes, a tear sliding down his cheek. She realized then there was no magic she could use, no potion, no wand waving, nothing. Another cry, this time more subdued but with equal evidence of pain, echoed in the hall. 

Hermione looked down at him again, tears now slipped down his cheeks in rapid succession. His arm had stopped bleeding but the wound would need healing at some point. Now though, all she could concentrate on was the pain that seemed to come from within, one she couldn't heal. She lie down on the floor next to him, wrapping her arms around his chest, his head resting on her shoulder, she held him. He, for once in his life, didn't complain, just leaned into her, his pathetic cries still echoing, his tears still flowing. They stayed that way for a long time, until, totally exhausted, they fell asleep, lying in the hallway.

***

Viktor Krum was not one to worry, particularly not when it came to Hermione. She could amply take care of herself, and she wasn't the one going on dangerous missions anyhow. But, she hadn't returned the night before, and that just wasn't like her, she would have at least called. Now he stood in front of the home of Severus Snape, a man he didn't understand, and probably never would, but Hermione seemed to enjoy his presence, so he humoured her by trying to get along with him.

He felt incredibly stupid asking Snape where exactly his fiancee was, but he didn't know where else to go short of alerting the ministry of her disappearance. He knocked softly, waited, no answer. He used a bit more force this time, perhaps he was asleep. Still, no answer. He pounded this time, he knew the man was home, no one went out before the evening after a night with Death Eaters, not even Severus Snape. Yet, still, there was no answer. He turned the door knob, there was a slight chance he hadn't locked it. The door opened easily, now Viktor was really worried. 

He snooped around the ground floor before deciding the man must be in his chambers. He climbed the stairs two at a time, but froze when he reached the landing. There, wrapped in each other's arms, were Hermione and Snape. He looked slightly ill but not unhappy and she looked more peaceful than he had ever seen her. His sharp intake of breath must have been loud enough to wake her --"and my pounding hadn't?"-- because she stirred and opened her eyes slowly. 

She didn't immediately realize Viktor was standing right next to her and so starred at Snape for a moment longer, a small smile creeping across her lips. He looked much better than the night before, his body was not at all as tense as it had been when she first touched him, now he seemed normal by his standards. She smoothed his hair and kissed his temple softly before realizing there was someone else in the room.

Viktor felt rage surge through him, his hand wrapped tightly around his wand. He clenched his jaw tightly and stared. Hermione didn't know what to say, didn't have any clue what he was thinking, it must have looked horrible. She opened her mouth to speak but he held up a hand to stop her.

"No need." Two words that spoke volumes.

She opened her mouth again but he was already down the stairs. The door slammed waking Severus. His arms tightened around her for a moment before he fully awoke. He sat up and released her from his hold, her arms fell limply to her side. 

They looked at each other, he --with no clue as to the consequences they, she really, would face-- smiled slightly but then his face fell when he realized something was very wrong. 

"What is it?"

"Viktor..." It was all she needed to say. Snape groaned inwardly, it seemed there would be a lot of explaining very soon.


	5. 

A/N: First off, the title is from a little dance thing that my friend's in, or was in. Doesn't have much to do with what happens, I just like to revel in my own clever thought(at least I think they are). This chapter is much lighter, I know, I know, the relationship is not developing as quickly as some would like, but hey, that'll make it that much better when you finally do get to read that. Severus and Hermione have both told me personally they'd like to take it slow, and I can't complain, they're writing this for me. I've wasted enough of your time, get reading, and please, please review. I'm going to start withholding Sev if I don't get more of them. *Shameless promotion ahead* Recommend this fic to friends!

Disclaimer: The sexy Severus Snape is not mine, and neither is his cohort Ms. Granger, so thank J.K., the plot is mine though, as if you cared. *Cue sobs*

***

Hermione had expected a fight. She had not, however, expected to see her bags packed and waiting on the steps in front of her one-time home. Viktor was taking this a little far, honestly, she hadn't shagged the man. She moved to the door and tried to unlock it, but, of course, he had changed the locks. Now she was just completely annoyed. 

"Viktor!" she yelled impatiently. "Viktor, I know you're home, let me in, we don't want to cause a scene do we?" She waited for a moment, trying to calm herself down -- he was being totally irrational-- before becoming really aggravated. "Viktor, get your Quidditch playing ass down here and open the door before I blast it off it's hinges!"

Now, to her delight, she heard footsteps from within coming down the stairs and then the door opened. "Yes, vat can I do for you." Hermione just gaped, since when was he so damn formal and condescending? "You vill find everything you left here, down to the last sock. Good day."

He tried to close the door but Hermione shoved her foot in the crack --she seemed to be doing a lot of this lately-- and pried it open. "Will you please let me explain?"

Viktor stood, his arms crossed defensively over his chest, his eyes attempting to be indifferent, and his posture completely rigid. "There is no need."

Hermione was seething. He wasn't going to listen to her. Even if she explained everything in perfect clarity and he realized what an ass he was being, he would still be sticking to his first reaction. It was in that moment that she realized she wasn't really upset that it was ending. All the work she'd put into her relationship with Viktor was going to mean nothing tomorrow, but she really didn't care. What Hermione wanted was to be right, and so obviously she never really loved this man.

She looked at him for a moment, she did love him deeply as a friend, but there were no fireworks when she kissed him, and she didn't feel safe or particularly loved when she was with him. Only one man had ever had a kind of hold on her, and he was probably retching into a toilet now, working off the last effects of the Cruciatus and without a single care where Hermione Granger was or whether she was alright. Even so, she felt loved in his arms, and most definitely safe, regardless of the fact that he was one of the most dangerous men she knew.

Viktor's voice knocked her from her reverie and made her focus on the here and now, not last night. "Do you vant to know vhy I know I'm right?"

She did not want to be defeated in this battle with him, but she knew she was going to be, and if it wasn't for her pride, she would have been relieved. "Why, Viktor?"

He sighed and his posture slumped, he reverted back to the boy she had first met at Hogwarts, brooding, but oh so lovable. "This is going to be hard," she thought for a moment.

"It vasn't just last night," he paused, not making eye contact with her, looking for the right words. "You alvays seem happy with him, and not just happy, but you beam." This was obviously not his finest hour, he didn't want to let her go, but he knew it was best. "Hermione," he took her hands, "I don't mind that you chose him, I just vant to know vhy him, of all people?"

She stared. Had he just implied that she loved Severus Snape, the man who could care less about her, who loved to torment her, in fact his favorite pastime was probably thinking of ways to make her life miserable? "No, no, Viktor, I haven't chosen anyone, especially not Severus Snape." 

Viktor looked skeptical, and she started to doubt her own words when she had a chance to think. "Oh, c'mon, Granger, you know you love the guy, and you know he feels something more than a toleration when it comes to you." She shook her head, she was not thinking this, Viktor was not thinking this.

Hermione opened her mouth to speak but no words would form themselves. She took in a breath to speak a few times before giving up. She looked at Viktor sadly and reached up to hold him in one last hug. Finally, she found something to say, "I'll always love you, Viktor, just not like we'd always hoped."

He kissed her cheek softly and held her for a moment longer before opening the door and allowing her to step out. That was it, she realized, Viktor was out of her life.

Hermione walked down a step and picked up her bags, they were rather heavy, and she assumed her must have shrunk some items to fit in her suitcases. She began to walk, but stopped suddenly. 

"Oh shit," she thought, "where the hell am I supposed to live?"

***

Severus Snape wasn't used to worrying, particularly when it came to someone like Ms. Granger. He suspected it had something to do with the guilt he was feeling. If the dumb jock had allowed her to explain without storming out perhaps it all could have been settled there and then.

"But you know you don't want it to be settled, not really."

He sighed, shaking his head and standing, he began to pace. He could, of course, contact her, find out if everything had worked out, but then he would actually seem to care, and he most certainly did not. 

"Then why are you pacing around the house muttering to yourself?" He clenched his jaw and looked around frantically for something to take his mind off things. 

"I have to get out of here," he muttered to himself. Grabbing his cloak off the hanger next to the door her flung it open, only to find the object of his thoughts poised to knock. "Uh, good afternoon, Ms. Granger." Now he was thrown totally off guard, he did not like that feeling.

Hermione smiled slightly, "can I talk to you for a minute?"

Severus looked at her quizzically for a moment before gesturing for her to come inside, he noticed her bags but said nothing. "Why don't you have a seat." He gestured towards one of the chairs sitting at his kitchen table. 

Hermione set down her bags near the door and sat down. She looked a little worse for wear and Severus wondered what had happened between her and Krum. They sat for a moment in a bit of awkward silence both fidgeting with their robes, something Severus _never_ did under ordinary circumstances.

Finally, Hermione spoke up. "Viktor and I aren't together anymore."

"Indeed?" he said softly. Something in the back of his mind was performing a victory dance. 

"Yes, and Ron isn't really speaking to me at the moment."

That seemed odd. "What seems to be the problem between Mr. Weasley and yourself?"

Hermione cringed inwardly, she was hoping he hadn't asked that question. "Well, he's a bit upset about how things turned out with Viktor." Not a lie, but not a complete truth either.

Snape smiled, "is he worried now he won't be able to get free tickets to the Quidditch matches?" Hermione didn't smile at that, and he let it drop. "What's the trouble, Hermione?" that sounded too soft in his ears and he had a feeling that victory dance was damaging the part of him that was still sane. "I haven't got all afternoon to try and pry it out of you," he said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. 

"There, much better," he thought even though a part of him believed sarcasm was the last thing she needed at that moment. 

"He's angry because you're the reason Viktor was upset in the first place, and he thinks I ruined a good relationship for a man who caused us nothing but aggravation when we were in school." There, she had said it. "I hope he's happy," she thought smugly.

Snape swallowed, now he really did have a reason to feel guilty. The awkward silence settled again between them and he could hardly bear it. "What really brings you here, Ms. Granger, I don't believe the reason has anything to do with relating your friends fond memories of Potions class to me."

Hermione shook her head. Gods, she felt like a fool, how could she possibly ask him this? "Well, Granger, it's this or back to life with mum and dad." She took a deep breath and looked up at him, he did seem a bit worried behind his immediate indifference. "I need a place to stay for a while," she closed her eyes. "Just, until I can find somewhere, but it's getting late and no one else save my parents would take me in," she added quickly.

Severus sat back in his chair, seeming to consider it. The victory dance had turned into frenzied laps, making him dizzy, annoyed, and very, very happy. "Of course, after all you've done, it's the least I can do." 

Hermione smiled and thanked him, "I'll just put my things away if you don't mind," she said quickly before ascending the stairs.

"Did you just agree to let Hermione Granger stay in your home? Doesn't this only intensify the situation, old boy?" Snape sighed, he hoped this wasn't a mistake.

***

Soon enough, Severus and Hermione had fallen into a routine that suited both their needs. She didn't bother him much during the afternoon when he worked feverishly on things in his laboratory --even though she was desperate to know what he was doing-- and he didn't wake unless it was getting ridiculously late (of course, Hermione had to convince Severus this was after noon, not after eight). They enjoyed each other's company for the most part in the evening when the conversation usually consisted of the latest advances, the war against Voldemort, and their good-natured ridicule of one another. Hermione still helped Severus when he returned from his meetings with the Death Eaters, and occasionally she learned a thing or two about them when he was willing to talk and not too traumatized. 

Hermione finally got the nerve to ask him what he was concocting in his laboratory. He sat back and looked at her for a moment before smiling. "I was wondering when you would ask about that," he said, his smile more smug than usual. "Would you like to see?"

Hermione wondered if she should accept his offer, this was Severus Snape they were talking about, and no matter how much she enjoyed his company, he was a Slytherin at heart. She figured there was nothing he would do to harm her, humiliate yes, belittle yes, but not harm. 

She nodded, still studying his face, he did nothing to hide his satisfaction. He stuck out his hand and she took it, it wasn't at all the way she expected it to feel. His hands were warm and soft, albeit a few calluses on his palm. He led her down into what reminded her of the dungeons back at Hogwarts. Three large cauldrons sat in the very back next to a work table with a few books opened to various pages. There were a few vials half empty or completely full with many different colored liquids and a few precautionary items. It was as neat as she could imagine anyone could keep a place with so many items to contain. 

He pulled her to stand in front of one of the cauldrons and smiled, releasing her hand and busying himself at the work table. He turned a few minutes later with a pair of dragon hide gloves for her and three vials of liquid that looked like the kind she had administered to him after a particularly horrible bout with the Cruciatus. 

"I'm guessing you never quite figured out what those three potions I kept in my personal cabinet were."

"I assumed they were a potent brand of pain reliever," she thought back to that night and remembered his cries that went on for far longer than she imagined they would. "It didn't seem to help all that much."

He smiled and shook his head. "I was not battling a mere Cruciatus Curse-"

"Mere?"

He ignored her and continued. "Voldemort believes now, more than ever that he has me at complete loyalty. That night he was going to kill me. Someone deep in the ministry turned out to be a Death Eater, was informing on me the entire time, I found out just before the meeting. Dumbledore begged me not to go, but he didn't realize I had something that needed testing, and this was the only way I could do it."

He held out the vial to her and she took it in her hands. Once again she noticed that it didn't seem to have a shade of it's own, but was really just absent of any colour. "I have put a stopper on death."

She looked up into his eyes, there was a glint in them she had never seen before. He was happy, truly happy. "He cast Avada Kedavra didn't he?"

Severus said nothing, just nodded. He took a small blade from the table behind them and held it between them. "Just watch." He stuck out a finger and made a deeper cut than she thought necessary for the demonstration. He reached up with a shaky hand to uncork the bottle, he wasted no more than a drop into his wound. As soon as it touched the skin it sizzled and Severus clenched his jaw slightly. In a few seconds there was no evidence he had ever harmed the finger at all. 

Hermione gaped at his hand and then at the liquid, and then back again. Nothing healed wounds like that in seconds, and certainly not without a scar. He smiled smugly at her and put the cork back in the vial. "It doesn't make the curse painless, as you witnessed, I was still very weak and the pain was excruciating, but it didn't kill me, and though I wasn't thinking it then, that's the important part."

Hermione looked up at his smile and couldn't help but catching his infectious pride. "Severus, you're amazing," she said before hugging him, and to her surprise he returned her embrace. Actually, he did more than return it, he held her tighter, laughing out loud and the smile was seemingly eternally attached to his face.

They released each other eventually and he finally became serious again. "Hermione, you are the only one who knows about this, and I intend to keep it that way. Voldemort thinks I'm brewing this for him and his Death Eaters, but it will take me quite a while to make enough, and the process is rather complicated, so I have enough time to warn the ministry and supply the aurors with enough to keep them safe before Voldemort knows the truth about me."

"And now for the tough part, Severus," he thought.

He came a bit closer to her and took a deep breath. "I was hoping you could help me speed up the process," now with a bit of trepidation, "would you mind assisting me when you are available?"

Hermione stared, had Severus Snape just asked for assistance in _Potions_? A small smile crept across her lips and she allowed it to turn into a smirk. At the last moment she decided not to make it too painful for him and nodded. 

"I'd be delighted."


	6. Good-natured Malice

A/N: Thanks ever so much to those who have reviewed, it really makes my day, just ask my friends, they think I'm nuts. Tell me if you think their past is going on too long, I didn't intend for it to be this in depth, but when I began I just couldn't stop, and I do believe their relationship gets a bit more complicated before it's over, I hope it doesn't get too dark. Anyhoo, tell me what you think, I can't live without it, and I don't think this particular scene ends here, so just keep that in mind when you finish.

Disclaimer: Not mine, not even yours, but J.K.'s, bless that woman...

***

"Ms. Granger, are you intentionally trying to destroy things?" Snape asked irritably, although there seemed to be a bit of playfulness in his tone as well.

"No, Professor Snape, I was merely distracted for a moment." She attempted to add as much irritability in her voice as he had, but it came out much different than she had hoped.

"Well perhaps you should stop staring at me when I'm reading and pay attention to your work."

Hermione blushed at that, she didn't know how he had seen her from where he was sitting, but apparently he had. The thing that made her more nervous than his now intent gaze was the fact that she didn't really mind. "Yes, well, it's always interesting to watch someone read when they move their lips."

Snape smiled dangerously, it was something like good-natured malice, and it threw Hermione way off guard. "Ms. Granger, you're staring again."

Hermione didn't move her gaze from him, but added some more ingredients stirring with a smirk firmly entrenched on her face. "Does it make you uncomfortable Professor?"

Snape's smile turned more into a smug look of satisfaction, "of course not Ms. Granger, but then, I'm not the one blushing."

Her face flushed even more and she looked back down into the cauldron and added a slight amount of dragon's blood, the mixture turned a deep red, then a royal purple. The colors swirled in a hypnotic spin, Hermione couldn't take her gaze away from it. She didn't notice Severus make his way behind her, she didn't even notice when he stepped up right behind her. The only thing that knocked her out of the color-induced trance was Severus' hand suddenly reaching out to guide hers, stirring the potion with a more fluid motion.

His hands were warm and that small bit of contact made Hermione's breath quicken slightly. "You can be too mechanic Ms. Granger, potions are a subtle science, the touch must be light and elegant."

Hermione opened her mouth to speak but her throat had clamped shut and she was unable to do anything but nod and pray his hand stayed with hers.

The mixture finally seemed stable and he removed his hand from hers running his fingers up her arm before breaking contact. "I believe it's settled now. You must wait for an hour before adding the powdered unicorn horn, until then the time is yours."

She turned and looked at him for a moment. The sides of his mouth twitched into an almost smile but he held fast to his impassive features. Hermione smiled slightly at him and moved to the side, their sides brushed as she passed him and she realized only then how close they had actually been.

"I think I'm going to eat something, would you like anything?"

He didn't turn to answer her, but she could hear something odd in his voice. "Uh, no thank-you. I'm going to stay here and work on some things."

Hermione turned to leave and tried to keep herself from smiling, but she never did quite manage to do that.

***

An hour later they were back at it, Hermione had taken the time not to eat but to cool down and convince herself that Severus was only flirting, not suggesting anything seriously. Snape spent the time asking himself what the hell he thought he was doing and trying to wipe the smug grin off his face. 

"Severus, where's the wolfsbane?"

"Why?"

"Because Lupin's visiting and I wanted to make him a little something," she answered sarcastically. "Why do you think, I need it for this."

Severus walked over to glance at his writings and found that it did indeed call for wolfsbane, though he couldn't quite remember using it. He shrugged to himself crediting it to stress and pointed to the cabinet again the far wall. "In there, it's categorized and listed alphabetically, you shouldn't have too much trouble." This time he brushed against her when leaving and there was no doubt in her mind he meant it.

"Now, why the hell did you have to do that, have you not been blatant enough this evening. Go take a cold shower, you're acting like a dirty old man," he chided himself as he moved to sit back down across form her work table.

Hermione smiled slightly and walked over to the cabinet. The wolfsbane was on the top shelf, nothing a little "wand waving" --as Severus so affectionately termed it-- wouldn't fix. She raised her wand but stopped herself. Tucking it back into her robes she reached futilely for the bottle. "Severus, do you think you could give me a hand here?"

His initial annoyance was replaced by something quite the opposite when he realized what she was playing at. Hermione Granger was probably one of the brightest students to ever graduate from Hogwarts, a simple Accio spell would have done the trick quite nicely, she was playing his game adeptly. 

Severus walked over to Hermione and stood behind her. "Oh, Ms. Granger, you will think again before daring me to take another step," he thought haughtily before pressing the full length of his body against her as he reached for the bottle. 

What Snape certainly didn't plan on was for her to return his gesture with more confidence than she should have had, considering she was alone, in his house, in his dungeon, with Severus Snape, ex-Death Eater and Potion Master-extraordinaire.

His left hand descended to her waist while his left handed her the bottle wrapping his arm around her in the process. "Now, you do realize, Ms. Granger," he whispered seductively in her ear, "that wolfsbane is a very volatile and dangerous ingredient?"

Hermione slipped her hand on top of his and leaned back into him again before answering. "Of course, professor," she whispered back, with just as much weight as he had in her voice, "you taught me very well."

She stepped away quickly and began to stir the potion before Severus had even realized what had happened. "Hermione 1, Severus 0," she thought smugly to herself.

Snape regained his composure quickly however and slinked to his chair, settling down quietly and starring at her with a look that would have made anyone melt into a puddle of amorous goo. Hermione however, succeeded at avoiding that scenario, but she was getting a little warm, and her breathing had become a bit ragged.

"So, Ms. Granger, you are a bit more talented than I imagined. Good thing too, because if you had melted into my arms before I don't think I would have been able to stop myself from further advances." The thought made him a bit uncomfortable, it was one thing to fantasize about Hermione Granger, but quite another to actually believe you could achieve those and much more.

Hermione was thinking along very similar lines when he finally made his next move. Hermione wondered how she would deflect this one, she felt as if she were playing chess, and Ron had always been the expert at that. She wished desperately she could follow his train of thought for just a few moments. 

Her desperate pleas were interrupted when she felt his arms around her, aiding her in stirring the potion and adding ingredients. His breath was warm on her neck and she enjoyed, more than she would care to admit, the feel of him body against hers. He was thin, but even through the robes she could feel just how strong he really was, it frightened and excited her at the same time.

"Fluid, Ms. Granger, like the slightest touch that can elicit the greatest..." he paused, blowing softly across her neck, "response."

He smiled as she made the tiniest of noises and leaned harder against him. "I think I must have missed that lesson, professor." She let her arm fall to her side and ran her hand along his thigh.

"You seem to..." he made a sound that sounded like a mix between a growl and a whimper, "pick things up very quickly."

Hermione loved the thought that she could get any response from him. Of all the men she had ever known, he had always been the most enigmatic, and it was natural for her inquisitive mind to wish to unravel his mystery. Their hands left the wooden ladle and came to rest on her waist.

"I've always wanted to learn more in depth what exactly it was about this 'subtle science' that intrigued you so much."

"The fact that I can control almost anything without anyone knowing the wiser." His voice was painfully slow and sensual and she almost submitted to him because of that alone. "Tasteless, odorless, colorless," he continued, "I can make you beg for death, or life eternal by just offering you a drink. Wands are too flashy. With a potion, I am in complete control."

Hermione wasn't far enough gone to let him control her that easily. She reached between them and tickled his inner thigh. His breath caught in his throat and she smiled wickedly. She planned on teasing him until he begged her for mercy but he was more in control than she imagined.

His fingers brushed over her pulse before his lips made contact with her the flesh there. She gasped and could feel him smile against her. His fingers trailed down from her throat to her waist again, deftly avoiding her breasts and she groaned at that, he just smiled wider. 

After what seemed like hours of torture from his lips --she had given up trying to tame him when she found it made her even more weak in the knees to come even close to feeling a substantial part of him that said he wanted her just as much-- he grabbed her hard around the waist and turned her around, pulling her roughly to him. He looked down into her eyes and she could see more than just arousal there, although she wasn't sure exactly what the rest was. He didn't smile, nor did he look angry or upset, he just looked at her. Finally, he spoke: "is this what you want?"

His voice was demanding, in total control, all she could do was nod, her voice was gone.

He looked --and sounded-- almost desperate, "tell me, Hermione. I want to hear it."

She looked up at him and could see a deep pain in his eyes, though she wasn't sure why it was there. "I want this." She felt him pull her closer, she could feel just how much he wanted it, she didn't need to ask. His eyes still held the pain, but he looked like the answer had satisfied him. She didn't like that at all, she wanted him to be ecstatic, to be totally free of pain. She looked down for a minute, at his chest, hidden by his robes. Inspiration struck and she looked up again, "I want you, Severus," she said earnestly.

Now he smiled, and it was the most genuine look she thought she had ever seen on his cynical face. She leaned in, hesitantly at first, and then with more confidence as she got closer. She kissed him, and after a moments shock he kissed her back. Their tongues caressed, and it was far more tender than Hermione expected. Things became more frantic as they began to slip in desperate kisses and gasp for air.

"I want you, Severus," she kissed him, "I've always wanted you," she kissed him again, this time he didn't allow her to move away so quickly.

"You don't... know what.... you've started," he whispered between kisses. He couldn't do this to her. He wouldn't spoil her when she was so perfect and pure. He pulled away and stared at her, his eyes pleading.

"Severus, please, don't doubt this."

His hands continued to stroke her back and sides, his body continued to respond --rather enthusiastically-- to her touches, but his mind and conscience just wouldn't allow it. "Don't make me do this," he looked down, humiliated, "please, Hermione."

She swallowed, he was in hurt, she wanted to pull him out of this, to pull him out of this hell he had invented for himself. "You are a good man, I wouldn't choose anything but the best." He wouldn't look up at her, and his posture became more and more submissive, more and more vulnerable. "Severus, it's over, that part of your life is over."

"You don't know what I've done," he paused, sobs threatening to break him, "you don't know what I've felt."

She felt him try and control himself, try to hold back things she wanted him to let out. "Tell me, nothing you've done will make me feel any differently."

"You think so?" He was angry now, he pushed her away and turned his back on her beginning to pace. "It felt good, did you know that?"

Hermione didn't know what to say, she didn't want to anger him further, but she wanted him to purge this from his system all the same. "No, I guess I didn't."

"And did you know, that when I go to meetings now, it takes every ounce of conscience left in me not to join them, not to take pleasure in the pain of others. I loved the taste of it, the blood and the sex, and I used to be able to taste pain, and I guarantee, you can't imagine how much I want to taste it again."

Hermione stood motionless, "let him get it out, it's for the best."

He glared at her, "don't sit there and think that this will be for the best, that I can even start to heal, because maybe I don't want to."

She was a little thrown off guard and wondered for a moment how he knew, but gathered her composure, deciding to think about it later. "I know you don't think that."

"Do you?" he sneered. "What if tonight was just to satisfy my need for a pleading body beneath mine? I've used that technique a million times, Ms. Granger, but never once has it been so easy to convince someone that they wanted me. You're much weaker than I thought."

"Stop it, Severus, I'm not going to get angry, I'm not going to leave, but I am going to forgive you for trying to make me."

He was positively fuming now, his face was red, he was pacing and he looked more upset --not just angry, but upset-- than she had ever seen him. "Don't patronize me, do you even think you can begin to purify a soul drenched in the blood of innocents?"

"I can't do anything until you let me." He scoffed at this and turned his back to her again. "Everyone's forgiven you, you know?" she said quietly and she wasn't sure he had heard her until she saw his shoulders shake. "Dumbledore did before you even joined Voldemort, and I did before I realized just how much you meant to me." She walked up behind him and could tell he was weeping now. She wrapped her arms around his chest, he tensed at first, and she thought he would pull away, but then he relaxed and she rested her cheek against his heaving back. He turned slowly, a few tears running down his cheeks, she kissed them and felt her own tears trying to push past her eyelids. She swallowed them back, wanting to keep his attention focused on himself, not thinking she was pitying him.

She pushed him back slowly until they were in his chair, her on his lap, kissing his cheeks, then his eyelids, then his lips. Again they were soft and more tender than she expected. "Severus I want you," she kissed him again, "I forgive you," she tasted the salt of his tears, "I love you." She said it without meaning to, and she felt him tense beneath her again before total relaxation, the likes of which she had never witnessed in this man. She wasn't quite sure how she had meant that, if she actually loved him, in a romantic sense, enough to follow him anywhere, or was it still the kind she felt for Harry and Ron. 

But it was more than what she felt for Harry and Ron, she was sure of it, she just didn't know if that necessarily meant she wanted to be with him in that sense forever. There was something about him, she wasn't sure it was the challenge he presented, or just him, that could quite possibly be the determining factor. She wanted to wash away his pain, make him forget that he had ever done anything reprehensible, she wanted him to moan her name and take her completely under his control, just so he would know he could and it didn't have to be for his pleasure alone. She wanted this more than she had ever wanted Ron or... She pushed him from her mind and thought only of Severus, thinking of Viktor would only complicate things. For now she was only Severus', and he was only hers.

She didn't want to think about it anything anymore, just his kisses as they became more urgent, his caresses as he became more insistent. She matched him in his fervour and when his hands reached for her robes she didn't resist, actually reaching for his in return.

***


	7. Short and Sweet

A/N: I know this is really short, but I promise to get something out really fast after this. I finally got a way to end this scene like I had hoped and so I had to get this out now. Thanks so much to all who have reviewed, it really brightens my day, you have no idea. Oh and if you like the portrait I'm painting of Sev, you might want to check out "Pawn to Queen" by Riley, which is more than incredible, and we seem to have pictured him in a much similar way. Anyhow, enough of my rambling, I hope you enjoy, and please review I'm a little worried about how this one will go over. Sorry again about the length, next chapter will be awesome, I swear. (If not the chapter after....)

Disclaimer: I'm allowed visitation and exploitation rights to Sev and 'Mione through J.K. alone, talk to her if you have any problems. Depeche Mode is great, they wrote the wonderful lyrics.

***

He reached for the clasp on my robes, and automatically my hands flew to his. That's when I noticed he was shaking almost violently, and so was I. Our hands were unsteady and neither of us, no matter how hard we tried, could bring ourselves to undress the other. I had felt closer to him at that moment than any other in my life, he moved his hands back to my face and traced the lines with his fingers like a blind man. I closed my eyes, reveling in the sensation of his warm, talented hands on my face. 

"Hermione..." his voice caught in his throat and he looked at me with desperate eyes. I couldn't bring myself to speak. 

His fingers brushed against my lips and I kissed each one, never feeling that I truly could convey to him the enormity of my feelings at that moment. I reached up and took his hands, pressing his palm to my lips and placing a most tender kiss there, one I hoped would make him realize that love, kindness, warmth, all these things, that they could too be pleasurable, perhaps more pleasurable than the pain he was so addicted to.

I think he knew what I was trying to do, and again the fact that it seemed he was able to read my mind threw me off. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me, protectively, lovingly, no trace of his need for control, or his thirst for pain. I loved him then, and there was no question in my mind as to what kind of love it was. Looking back I wish I had told him then what I felt, and perhaps it would have convinced him that it was possible for love to fill him with a contentment that the sado-masochistic torture he came to love would never be able to.

We fell asleep there after a while, weeping, sighing, touching, exhausting each other, mind, body, and soul.

***

****

"World in my Eyes"

Let me take you on a trip  
Around the world and back  
And you won't have to move  
You just sit still

Now let your mind do the walking  
And let my body do the talking  
Let me show you the world in my eyes

I'll take you to the highest mountain  
To the depths of the deepest sea  
We won't need a map, believe me

Now let my body do the moving  
And let my hands do the soothing  
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is  
Nothing more than you can feel now  
That's all there is

Let me put you on a ship  
On a long, long trip  
Your lips close to my lips

  
All the islands in the ocean  
All the heaven's in the motion  
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is  
Nothing more than you can touch now  
That's all there is

Let me show you the world in my eyes

(Depeche Mode, "World in My Eyes")

***

I was shaking, and it made me sick to think that I couldn't even bear to touch her without the most profound reaction. She had me in the palm of her hand at that moment, and if she had known that I'm not sure I would have been able to live with myself. I knew it wasn't possible for her to love me then, not yet, at least, if ever she would. It was enough however, enough to make me crumble for her. It was just supposed to be a game, but she was so much better at it than I, and she wasn't worried that if she lost control I wouldn't be able to stop her from taking me with her.

My hands moved to her face, her skin beneath my bloodstained hands. When I touched her it seemed for moments that purity was a part of us both. I traced the lines and contours, taking in everything, every part of her. I closed my eyes, just wanting to experience the feel of it, wanting to engrave her in my mind in case it was the last time she would allow me to do this. 

"Hermione..." I choked it out just barely. My throat closed after that and she looked contented not to hear me speak or do so herself. I resumed the survey of her face and my fingers managed to brush her lips, and with each kiss she made me feel love in a way new and strange to me. I have to wonder now if it was the first time I had experienced I real brand of love, no one had touched me like her before. Such simple actions that expressed so completely the depth of her emotions took my breath away. She took my hand and kissed my palm then, a searing kiss that washed away so many things in me.

Pain, fear, blood, sex, agony, torture, all the things that had sustained me ever since I could remember seemed so dead and empty. This was too much, I couldn't change everything in a moment, and the way she looked at me, the way her hands felt on my skin made me feel I could forget them without the use of a blade. I enfolded her in my arms and for now didn't want to use her for my own pleasure, I wanted to show her just what she was doing to me, and pray that she kept doing it. 

We stayed there together for some time, finally falling asleep. I remember weeping, and I remember the feel of her, but most of all I remember the overwhelming sense that she wasn't judging me, but loving me, and I think I should have admitted that regardless of her true feelings, I could have stayed like that forever.

***

****

"Only When I Lose Myself"

It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself   
I find myself 

  
It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself  
I find myself 

Something beautiful is happening inside for me   
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery   
I feel hypnotized, I feel paralized   
I have found heaven 

  
There's a thousand reasons   
Why I shouldn't spend my time with you   
For every reason not to be here I can think of two   
Keep me hanging on   
Feeling nothing's wrong   
Inside your heaven 

It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself   
I find myself   
It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself  
I find myself 

I can feel the emptiness inside me fade and disappear   
There's a feeling of contentment now that you are here   
I feel satisfied   
I belong inside   
Your velvet heaven 

Did I need to sell my soul   
For pleasure like this   
Did I have to lose control   
To treasure your kiss   
Did I need to place my heart   
In the palm of your hand   
Before I could even start   
To understand 

It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself   
I find myself   
It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself  
I find myself 

(Depeche Mode, "Only When I Lose Myself")

***


	8. Something Sinister Yet To Come

A/N: It gets a little dark towards the end, but the next chapter I believe will blow this out of the water. Sorry it's taken so long, but school's been kicking my ass wantonly and finals are this week, but I'm too excited to get on with the next chapter to worry too much about my damn theology test. *Grumbles and thanks God there's only 1 day left of second period torture* So tell me what you like, and more importantly tell me what you don't like, but if you chose that route please tell me what you'd like to see changed so that I can improve it for your reading pleasure. Thanks to all who've reviewed in the past, you make my day... I know it's sad...

Disclaimer: Aren't you getting tired of hearing this? J.K. it's all yours, thank you much for Sev and 'Mione.

***

Severus woke with a start. The door to the laboratory was open and he could see that sun was streaming through the windows upstairs. _How late were you up last night? _he wondered silently to himself. His hand came up to stroke Hermione's hair and he looked down at her face. She looked so peaceful sleeping there, with him, of all the people she could be with. 

He slowly began to remember the events of the previous night. The way he had yelled, the things he had admitted about himself, how could she still want him? But she had, there was no doubt in his mind about that, and if he hadn't been so bloody nervous she would have been able to show him just how much. He sighed quietly, his hand still stroking the chestnut locks that fell about her face. 

There was a hand on his chest, and an arm around his waist, and although he had slept in a chair, he wasn't as sore as he would have imagined. She was warm against him, even in the cold of the laboratory, and for a moment he was able to accept it, and savour it, but just for a moment. Soon enough the self-loathing was back, the closer he studied her beautiful face the more he hated his own ugly one.

She was so perfect compared to him, compared to anyone, and he couldn't believe that she truly wanted what she was getting them both into. His hand froze in mid-stroke and he glanced at the mark, now fully exposed on his arm. It burned, just as it always did, a constant reminder, but the burn wasn't physically painful, it was in his soul that it was truly agonizing. He tucked the strand behind her ear and looked away from her. 

How he wanted to take her right there, his body screamed for it, the blackest and most wretched part yearned for her in the most vulnerable and painful positions imaginable, but thus far his conscience, the part that was still moral kept his carnal desires at bay. His fists clenched and relaxed seemingly of their own will, trying to calm down the rest of his body. He risked a glance back at her again and the look on her face caused him ecstasy and torment all at the same time. She wore a small smile, her lips parted slightly, her breath coming slowly and steadily, it was the only thing he could hear, everything else around him was silent. He hated himself for thinking of her in the way that seemed to come so natural to him, but the beauty that radiated from her was enough to warm some part of him, and he couldn't bring himself to let the rage engulf him.

He stood slowly, his legs a little stiff, and rubbed a hand over his face, he had to do something or else he would go mad. He leaned over her and kissed her forehead in a most paternal gesture. No matter how hard the two sides of him fought, he did care for her more than anything, and that was why he was so conflicted over letting her stay, or forcing her to go.

He couldn't think about that now, however, he had a potion to perfect, and some of that work still could be done with parchment, outside of the lab. He turned quickly and strode from the room, his robes billowing in a very familiar fashion behind him.

***

Hermione drifted into consciousness more slowly than she could ever recall doing. Her back was killing her and her right leg was sore from being bent under her the entire night. She didn't expect that Snape would be there when she woke, but she was still disappointed when she reached out and he was gone. She felt sleep still sticking to her and grabbed her wand, casting a spell on her hair to get it out of her face until she could shower. 

Upstairs she could hear him moving around. With all the time she'd spent with him recently she knew what the sound of his movements meant, apparently he was not in a good mood at present. Hermione sighed and walked up the stairs, hoping to get some tea before meeting him and finding out just what had him in such a bad mood. Thankfully he was not in the kitchen and she managed to drink in semi-peace, occasionally there'd be a curse or two and a crash, but other than that, things were fine.

She moved to the study and saw him studying a few rolls of parchment, quill in hand, furiously making notes. She smiled before she moved towards him, the look of pure concentration on his face was priceless, and --she thought, at least-- rather attractive. He didn't notice her, or if he did he didn't make a move to acknowledge her presence, and kept working.

Hermione moved behind him and attempted to see what exactly he was so immersed in. 

"Ms. Granger, reading over my shoulder just might be the most obnoxious thing you could possible think to do."

_Oh so even after last night you still dare to call me Ms. Granger, we're not playing a game, Sev, _she thought to herself, more than a little miffed at his all-too-predictable response to the previous night. "Is that all you have to say to me? Not even a 'good morning, Hermione'?"

He set down the parchment with what looked like the greatest of effort and turned to face her, his eyes held no amusement. "And why exactly would you expect me to do something like that? I hope you don't have any illusions of a domestic Severus Snape."

Hermione's face burned, more with anger than embarrassment at the fact he was turning everything around, he knew damn well she wasn't out to change him, but he couldn't fathom that someone would love him the way he was. Although, the smug look on his face at her appearance of discomfort was making it much harder to want to convince him of this. "Severus, don't pretend that what happened last night didn't mean anything to you. I want you just the way you are, and we both know you're putting on a show right now."

"Stop deluding yourself Ms. Granger, you have no idea what you want." He turned back to his work and picked up his quill.

Above anger, Hermione felt an empathy and caring that overrode it all. She grabbed his face turned it to her and kissed him. He was stunned at first, as she expected he would be, but sooner than she anticipated he responded. It was different from anything they had ever shared before, all the pretense and tension that had been present before was absent. Neither of them fully understood it, but Hermione couldn't help but feel that by catching him off guard he was unable to put up his defenses and so was baring his whole self to her. Their hands moved over each other of their own volition. Hermione felt his face under her fingertips, she felt the silky wisps of hair that drifted between them, his skin was soft and she moved her hands over him much the way he had the night before.

She pulled back finally, his face held much more of an expression of contentment than anything else, perhaps true happiness lurked there as well. "Do you still doubt that I know what I really want?"

Severus looked sad at first, his eyes clouding over with the same look he'd given her in moments of self-directed hatred, but then there was amusement and his lips twitched up in a smile that left no doubt in her mind about his belief in her.

"You may be making a mistake, but I don't think I can remind you of that again."

***

Happiness was something Hermione Granger had not often associated with Severus Snape. When she had attended Hogwarts he was one of the most talented and demanding professors she'd ever had, but he was still cruel and decidedly unpleasant. Even when she had left Hogwarts she had harbored a distaste for the man, and it took a lot of time and energy to get him to open up, even when she was living with him. Now, however, it seemed that it was possible to see only the dark, but incredibly amusing side of him. 

His temper was much easier to control, a look at the right moment could calm him and bring him penitent --never admitting his fault of course-- to her, and she could live with his pride, because she knew it stemmed from a deeper place that was still --perhaps permanently-- damaged. Though his doubts still surfaced at time it was much easier to put him at ease, and their work left little time to ponder the nature of their relationship, because still, neither of them knew exactly what was going on.

They slept together, but they had never _slept_ together in the sense that everyone assumed. They were living together, but made no attempt to prove anything was to come of it. They loved each other, but never made a move to let the other know through words. There was nothing you could call it, no plans for marriage, Severus wasn't, and never would be anyone's _boyfriend_, and he certainly didn't assume Hermione was such. It was more of a feeling than anything you could describe with words, and it suited both of them just fine. Of course, none of her friends, nor her parents understood just what in the hell was going on.

Hermione didn't exactly know why they hadn't slept together, but neither of them had made the move to take it that far, and neither of them seemed too disappointed by that fact. It hadn't really occurred to her that anyone would think it was odd until Ginny, Harry, and even Ron had questioned her about it. Still, Hermione's behavior remained the same, and Severus seemed more comfortable than ever in their current situation, neither of them wanted to screw that up.

***_2 horrendous weeks later_***

It was over, everything was over. Voldemort, the one thing that had, at least, lurked in the back of everyone's mind was gone, for good this time. Hermione could not imagine a better outcome. Severus had been a key factor in those last few days; his killing curse antidote and the potions he discovered to hold off the effect for a few hours saved countless aurors. They were both completely famous and revered in the wizarding community, along with Harry who had led the team that brought down Voldemort and Ron who had lead the ministry through its worst times. 

Finally, everything could be normal. Hermione truly believed she could have a regular relationship with Severus now, he wouldn't have to leave to go to any secret meetings coming back in the worst kind of pain, they wouldn't have to work busily on anything for a long time. Of course, something was very wrong inside Severus, and the Dark Lord's death hadn't done anything to cleanse him, in fact now he felt as if there was something very sinister yet to come, and Snape couldn't fight the feeling that he was a part of it.

***

Hermione had yet to see Severus since the news of Voldemort's downfall had reached her. She had hugged Ron fiercely when she heard and he had hugged her back, their relationship had undergone massive renovation in the past week. He had accepted Severus as something that truly made her happy, he had even apologized for acting like a complete prat when she and Viktor hadn't worked out. They were back to normal, the tension was gone and she felt that he really was and always would be her best friend. They wanted to find Harry, but he was being mobbed everywhere he went, no one could stop thanking or congratulating him, but he gave credit to the potion, and grudgingly acknowledged his thanks to Snape. 

After getting outside of the ministry and into a clearing where she could apparate easily Hermione sighed. Severus would finally be able to forgive himself, he had more than made up for his past sins. She had tried to convince him in the past that it was because he was young and foolish, but he wouldn't have it. Now she hoped he would be able to accept that, and accept that he wasn't as horrible as he wanted to believe he was.

She smiled at the thought of him and his all-too-expressive eyes when he can finally find humour easily in things again. Finally, she apparated.

***

She knew he was at home when she walked in the door, even with the absence of a response to her entrance. The house was completely dark except for a room upstairs, the master bedroom. "Severus?" Still no answer. She refused to believe that something had happened and continued up the stairs.

She could see his shadow in the bedroom, he was standing in the connected bathroom. She walked in and immediately knew something was wrong. He was standing at the sink, staring into the mirror, his left arm clutched the side of the sink and his knuckles were white. His other hand rubbed the mark --_Foolish to think it would be gone, Granger, no amount of wishing will take it away_-- and it seemed to be causing him a fair amount of pain judging by the taut expression on his face, and the sickly pale colour of his skin. 

"Severus?" she asked quietly, praying to anything that would hear her for a response.

"Leave, Hermione." His voice was soft and choked, his eyes never left the mirror.

"What's wrong?" She was worried now, something was horribly out of place in this scene. He was supposed to be ecstatic, they should be naked by now, there shouldn't be anything left undone, he should be forgiven.

"Please, just get out," he whispered, a tear falling from his face. She moved to him but he tensed even more and she stopped. "There's a part of me I can't control, nothing's changed here, it's just worse, now leave before I stop caring if I stop myself."

"Don't do this, I can help you, we won, it's over, he's gone, you don't have to feel this way anymore, you did this, Severus. _You_ stopped Voldemort."

"Can't you see that's the problem?" he asked, his voice raising a bit. He turned to her and she could see the mark now, blacker than ever, burning into his arm with an intensity that made it glow. "I was a traitor when I became a Death Eater, I was a traitor when I went back to Dumbledore, I was a traitor to myself to ever imagine that I could stop the foul part of me from wanting you, and gods Hermione, I want you so much, my whole being does, and that's the problem."

Hermione stood shaking across from him. She couldn't even begin to fathom the twisted nature of his soul, or what exactly he was trying to tell her. "I don't understand what you're telling me."

"The part of me that loves, loves you, but it isn't a big enough part of me. I can't let this happen to you."

"Severus, you've never known love from anyone but Dumbledore before, and it's not what I'm trying to give to you."

"I can't take what you're trying to give to me, I lack the faculties able to accept it."

"Severus..."

Something inside him snapped. There it was, the thing that always brought out the beast inside him, the vulnerability and the love. While his conscience screamed for restraint his body and the mark on his arm responded to it evoking pleasure that was better than ecstasy. He moved closer to her and touched her face in the last tender gesture he could manage. 

"Tell me what you want," he whispered in her ear making her knees weaken. His hips pressed against her and the pants he was wearing did little to hide his intentions. 

Hermione found it hard to speak but he pulled her waist to his and the words flew from her lips. "You."

"Louder," this time his lips brushed her ear and he began to drag them down her neck.

"Severus-"

"What did I ask for Hermione?" he said a little louder but kept the sensual tone. He removed her cloak and began with the buttons on her robes.

"You," she said, louder like he asked and chided herself for letting him do this. This wasn't the man she had comforted in the hall, this wasn't the man who had been trembling too much to take off her robes in the lab, this was someone who she had never met, and suspected she would not like. The Death Eater and Slytherin that scared the hell out of her but caused her to respond like never before to his touch. 

Her robes fell to the floor and Hermione wanted so badly to end it, to gather what was left of her dignity and leave this stranger behind, but his grip was strong, and the physical part was only half of it.

***


	9. Haven of Hot Water

A/N: Well I planned on this being longer, but I'm writing the next chapter right now, the time switch I think deserves a whole new chapter start. Remember way back in chapter 3 when I said the past was only going to be 3 chapters at most.. I guess I lied, sorry about that, but I hope you enjoyed the journey down memory lane as much as I did. In any case, reviews are needed, I love all of you who have so far and please don't stop, my giddiness is good for annoying friends. This time when I say the next one is coming soon, I mean it. (At least right now I do.) Oh, and criticism especially coupled with ways to improve is almost better than praise... Almost...

Disclaimer: Yadda, yadda, yadda, you know the drill. Thanks J.K.R.

***

I look back and still I cannot fathom why I let him touch me to begin with. I wanted to heal him, I wanted to drive any of the Death Eater still in him away for good. Gods, was I foolish to believe I could even comprehend something so deep in him. I hardly knew myself let alone another human being. Still, the fire he ignited within me was something almost impossible to put out, and I hated myself for it. 

And that was what he wanted.

There were two things I think that made me unable to resist. I hate to admit that, I hate more than anything to think that Hermione Granger succumbed to the charms of any man, especially Severus Snape, but gods, those eyes, and his hands.... I'm supposed to be a strong witch, someone who can take on the Dark Lord, I trained to be an auror for Merlin's sake. I fought Death Eater's without fear in person and on parchment for years, but I fell to the Dark Lord's potion master. 

When we were in school it was necessary to hate him, everyone did, even some of the Slytherins couldn't stand the man. I never got past those eyes, however, the ones that held so much but divulged so little. Harry thought they were black, like never ending tunnels. I loved getting lost in them, so deep inside I couldn't find my way out, I didn't even know what direction I was going. That night, though, they were pouring out everything, and I wish I could have hid in the tunnels which had then become windows, and I could see what he had warned me about.

And that was what he intended.

His hands moved over me then like they never had before. He was laying claim, no one could ever touch me like that again, no one could elicit the kind of responses he got from me. I was anything and everything he wanted me to be, all he had to do was touch me in the right place, and curse him, he knew where all of them were. The memories are abstract and painful, and if someone suggested he had hypnotized me I wouldn't be so shocked. From the moment he whispered to me I knew he was a stranger, but such an attractive one. Anything he asked of me I gave; if he wanted me to scream, I did, if he wanted me to be silent, I was. 

Painful as it was, I did manage to come out of it with a bit of remembered ecstasy. That part of him that he claimed loved me, it wasn't completely beaten down, at least I thought I felt it. Sometimes his touch was so tender, his kisses demanding nothing, and once or twice I saw in his eyes desperation and pleading. He wanted me to stop him, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. He told me I was nothing, and that this was purely for his pleasure, he wanted to see my reactions, he wanted to witness my pain, but some part of me was still strong, just like some part of him was still innocent, and I left before he could see me hurt. 

And that was what he'd hoped for.

I never let it truly hit me. His eyes, the moments of horrible insanity, those of unadulterated lust, and the infrequent and few of love, compassion, tenderness --all the emotions he so adamantly refused himself, I could never look away from them. I built a wall after that, I refused to acknowledge that he had hurt me in so deep a way. At times I let myself in on the knowledge that he had done it to keep me safe from the dark part of him that had somehow taken control. The rest of the time, however, I told myself that he was just wrong for me, he was a child playing games with the emotions I had given him.

All along I _knew _that I was the child.

***

Hermione left his home with only a few of her things, she didn't really intend to come back for the rest. She apparated to Harry's doorstep and knocked softly. _Probably drunk off his arse after last night,_ she thought to herself. She raised her fist to knock again, this time a little harder, when Harry swung it open.

"'Mione! Come on in, what are you doing up so early?" 

Hermione stepped inside and felt the early stages of embarrassment. How was she supposed to explain to Harry what had happened with Snape? She couldn't even admit half of it to herself.

"Harry, I..." her voice cracked and she looked away. "Can I stay here for a while?"

"What happened?" his voice was stern when he asked, and Hermione felt embarrassment loose its footing to anger and vulnerability and more anger at that vulnerability. 

"Just... just let me take a shower." Harry's hands came up to touch her face but she shied away. "Can I please use your shower, Harry?"

He looked more concerned and upset than she could remember, but he nodded stiffly and gestured to the stairs. Hermione sighed, breathed a thank you and climbed the stairs to the haven of hot water.

***

She stepped into the shower and turned the water to a comfortable level. _How could you let him use you like that, Granger? Nothing could heal that man, he's more fucked up than you could ever even begin to comprehend. What the hell were you thinking? Did you think your touch could save him? That letting him fuck you would erase that mark on his arm? Did you notice it burned the whole time?_

Hermione closed her eyes and began to recite French verb conjugations, it was silly but it could numb her mind at least for now.

***

Harry paced around his sitting room for an half and hour before Hermione walked in, looking much better than before. She smiled slightly at him and walked into the kitchen. "I'll put on some water for tea," she said softly before disappearing through the doorway. Harry followed her and sat at the counter. 

"So what's the deal, then?"

Hermione didn't say anything for a while. When she finished with the tea she handed him a cup and sighed taking her own. "It was nothing, Harry, I just realized that he's a lot different than I imagined."

Harry looked at her suspiciously. "Don't think I'll let it go after that little run around. What happened?"

Images flashed through her mind, the fact that over half of them got her "all hot and bothered" only infuriated her more. "He was only ever playing games with me. Everything was a game, the way we spoke to each other, the way he touched me, it was all a game, one he was bound to win." She sighed and continued, "he's stuck in another world still, one before yesterday. I don't want to think about him anymore."

Harry knew there was something more, but he wasn't sure that Hermione was admitting that to herself yet. He put a comforting hand over hers and smiled weakly. "You can stay here, 'Mione, until whenever."

She smiled and drank her tea, Severus could take care of himself. She was through with mind games.

***

A/N: If you'd like to know exactly what transpired between the two on that fateful night, lemme know and I'll see if they'll come out to play in that particular scenario, I'm sure they will if you ask nicely...


	10. Back to the Future or Getting it Back

A/N: I know, I know, I lied. I said it would be soon but it was longer than ever. The fact that I'm writing this implies that people actually keep up with this fic, which I suppose is kind of arrogant but hey, who's anyone without some degree of over-confidence. Anyway, I hope you like this new one, it was hard for me to write I don't know why, but it was. Listening to French Rap, then some talk show about work (I don't know I'm not fluent) really wasn't good for the creative process I'm thinking. If you think I wimped out, let me know, but if you liked it, likewise. I will be going into detail the night of their "changing experience" but a friend of mine is going to help me write it, so until he gets his act together, I can't, unless I decide to write it on my own, but I think he'll help me. Don't you just love it when the author rambles on like this, I sure as hell do. As soon as school slows down I'll write more fic and less rambling crappiest of crappy stuff. Okay I'm stopping, but first I have to remind you to review, because hey, that's why I'm here.

Disclaimer: No way on God's green earth J.K.R. would write something this shitastic, but the characs are hers.

***

Severus Snape paced around his potions laboratory, unbuttoned robes billowing behind him. His arousal had faded the moment he looked into her eyes and now he couldn't think of anything but the emptiness that consumed him in that instant. He had succeeded in making her want the emotional torment he lived with everyday. The absence of Lucius' nagging was actually irking him just as much as if it were present. He'd grown rather accustomed to it, and now more than ever he wanted company but didn't trust himself with anyone at the same time. He couldn't wallow in this self-pity now, he had to figure out just what in the hell he was going to do. 

There was no denying that he wanted her. Badly. His body, mind, and even the mildly clean portion of his soul wanted to be with her always. The mark on his arm and Lucius' voice in his head wanted her in a completely different way. It wasn't really her physical, or even mental being they wished for, they wanted to possess the part that made her human, to take everything in her spirit and crush it until she was a lifeless zombie only existing for their amusement. He couldn't say that he didn't love the way it made him feel when the mark burned, took over for him completely, allowed him to float along on a wave of pure and unadulterated ecstasy. It was the after-effects that made him wish for death or even pain to kill the memories. He'd lost faith in all mankind, wizard, witch, and muggle alike, long ago. When he discovered the capacity everyone had to hate, and the horribly cruel yet perversely satisfying way they could exact revenge or demonstrate dislike, he lost all hope in good prevailing. He was physically sick the first time he felt the rush, but while it was happening he was loving every second, and the thing that hurt the most was the fact he wasn't the first, and would definitely not be the last.

***

Hermione remained on his desk for a long time just listening to her own breathing as it returned to normal. She pulled her robes tightly around her as she sat up and looked around the disorderly state of the once meticulously organized chambers of Severus Snape. She sighed loudly and was angry to feel herself still trembling from the after-effects of her encounter with him. Harry and Ron would kill her if they knew what she'd gotten herself into. Again. She sighed again and this time it was a little less shaky. He was probably far worse off that she. When it came to Severus she had no dignity, but then he really didn't have much with her either. They'd seen each other naked in more than just a physical sense. The raw emotion she'd experienced with him was something no one else could provoke, and she knew he felt the same way, but there was something even stronger inside him that wouldn't let him feel all she gave him, not in the way she intended at least.

Finally, she rose from the table and smoothed her robes, buttoning them back up and gaining back the composure that had been thrown out the window. She decided to leave the room as it was and find Severus before he could close himself off completely. She reckoned that if she was fast enough he would still be recovering from their previous get-together and she would be able to catch him off guard.

She made her way to the laboratory hoping he would be predictable for once. Thankfully for her, he was. She pushed the door open quietly and found him pacing, muttering a curse here and there and occasionally sending a bottle flying across the room to smash against the far wall. Already, a small pile of broken glass was gathering in one corner. He glanced up in the middle of a rather vulgar phrase to see her standing there watching him, slightly amused, slightly afraid, most of all confused.

"I think we have both lost enough in each other's presence Ms. Granger. I would appreciate it if you would please leave."

"Don't you think we've done enough running away form each other to last a few life times. Please, Severus, don't do this to me again."

He looked at her for a moment, surprise, then rage, and finally submission passing over his features until finally he fell into a chair near a window, defeated. "I'm so sorry for all of this, Hermione. I never wanted any of this to touch you." He buried his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes with the heels of this hands.

Hermione made her way over to him and sat nervously on the chair opposite him, closer to the fireplace than the window. "I wasn't going to stay innocent forever, did you think my years as an auror had left me with no knowledge of Death Eater practices?"

He sighed loudly and sat back, his hands clasped in front of him, his expression grim. "As an auror you can come into contact with darkness, you may even be touched in a very intimate way by it, but never like what I've done to you. You're never betrayed in that way, the pain is different, and far worse in my opinion."

He looked so much older in this light, in the way his face hung with the weight of years and his sins piled high on his head. His eyes held not even a hint of amusement and his hands shook though she could tell he was trying to stop them. This was not the Severus Snape she had come to love and hate, this was a man defeated by his demons, and not really seeming to care.

Hermione moved slowly toward him and sat on the arm of his chair. He flinched slightly when she reached out to touch his face, brushing away a lock of raven hair from his eyes. "You hurt me, yes. But I've come to realize that you've hurt yourself far more." She saw his right hand clench into a fist, his eyes darting to the bandages there. She pulled his face up to look into her eyes. "That's not even the half of it," she sighed and brushed his cheek again, his eyelids fluttered and closed. 

"Everything's so much more complicated than I imagined, Severus," her hand continued to stroke his face. His breathing was slow and he was more relaxed than she ever remembered seeing him. Her voice dropped to a whisper, "I thought you were playing games because you didn't trust me, because you hadn't grown up." He tensed when she mentioned games but she had slowed down then, her right hand coming up to rest on the other side of his face.

"Let me help you, let me purge that darkness in both of us."

He looked up, his eyes pleading, confused. "You-- you aren't--"

"I feel it too, Severus. I feel that lust for blood and sex and pain. We don't have to give into Voldemort, or this," she touched a hand to the faded mark on his arm and he pulled away in what seemed like an instinctual movement. Hermione moved his eyes back to hers and they stared for a minute into each other, communicating more then, than they ever had with words.

She leaned forward and touched her lips to his, hesitantly, waiting for his response before she preceded. He leaned into her and brought his hands up to cup her face. Her heart wrenched at the sight of him, his eyes pleading for redemption in her touch and his body warm under her own. Hermione had moved onto his lap and remained there kissing his face lightly, his eyelids, his forehead, temples, cheeks, lips. Their tongues moved together, for once free of lust and blood. 

Hermione was the first to begin removing his robes but his hands soon mirrored hers on her robes. There on the floor, their robes between them and stone, he lowered himself trembling between her legs. Her hands moved from his face to stroke his chest and back. He kissed her again, there was such tenderness in it she felt that she might break him with any more enthusiasm. 

"Hermione. . ." he gasped, she could tell he was trying to hold back just as much as she was.

She leaned up to kiss him again and buried her hands in his hair. "Don't stop now," she managed to get out before her vocal chords failed her. She grinned wickedly when he looked a bit surprised and urged him on wrapping her legs around his waist. He entered her and they both stopped breathing for a moment, reveling in the sensation before beginning to rock to a rhythm all their own.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered in her ear, his breath coming in short breaths.

"Shut-up, stop thinking about the past--" she was cut off by a moan that he echoed. "Don't forget this, Severus," she gasped, "don't ever forget what this feels like."

He was trying to hold back for her, but her moans and her words were making that harder than ever. He really did love this woman, he believed every word that came out of her mouth, and he would rather die a most painful death before he forgot how she felt beneath him begging for release.

"This. . . ecstasy, it can't. . ." whatever he was going to say was lost in his moans of her name over and over again and a few seconds later she was doing the same. 

They lay there for a few moments, spiraling down from a high that had yet to be rivaled. Never had he felt such an incredible surge in his heart and soul before, and she couldn't describe in words what exactly had transpired because it had been like nothing before. 

He rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around her his face buried in her hair, their breathing becoming regular together. He wrapped their robes around them both and cast a fire in the fireplace with his wand not particularly interesting in leaving that place just yet. She seemed to be fine with that and moved closer to him pulling his arms more firmly around her. 

He waited until her breathing slowed and watched her eyes close. He kissed her temple and smiled, Krum had made a huge mistake, but he wouldn't allow for any changes now. He noticed the mark, burning only slightly, the pain almost insignificant compared to his level of contentment, but it still reminded him, and the wounds on his arms would take time to heal, just like those still on both their hearts. 

"I would tell you I love you if I wasn't so afraid of hurting you even more," he whispered. Settling down next to her, he kissed the back of her neck and allowed sleep to take him.

"I love you too, Severus."

**__**

"Only When I Lose Myself" 

****

It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself   
I find myself   
It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself  
I find myself 

Something beautiful is happening inside for me   
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery   
I feel hypnotized, I feel paralized   
I have found heaven 

  
There's a thousand reasons   
Why I shouldn't spend my time with you   
For every reason not to be here I can think of two   
Keep me hanging on   
Feeling nothing's wrong   
Inside your heaven 

It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself   
I find myself   
It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself  
I find myself 

I can feel the emptiness inside me fade and disappear   
There's a feeling of contentment now that you are here   
I feel satisfied   
I belong inside   
Your velvet heaven 

Did I need to sell my soul   
For pleasure like this   
Did I have to lose control   
To treasure your kiss   
Did I need to place my heart   
In the palm of your hand   
Before I could even start   
To understand

It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself   
I find myself   
It's only when I lose myself in someone else   
That I find myself  
I find myself 

__

("Only When I Lose Myself"; Depeche Mode)


	11. He's the Amazing Harry Potter!

A/N: I know it's been a long time and you probably don't remember at all what's happened, or why, or who, or where. Or better yet, you don't care. In any case, if you're still with me I love you and thank you, please review, tell me if I should quit now before I further embarrass myself or if, by some ghost of a chance, you like it, and I should continue. I'm forcing myself back into a writing schedule instead of being a leech and reading fic like there's no tomorrow, so it shouldn't be that long, but we've all heard that before. Anyhoo, I hope you like this, I promise to get better soon, this was something that needed to get out before I could get to anything good (readers now shake head and laugh at the notion of good associated with this fic... oh man I crack myself up). Well, happy reading, reviews are eagerly soaked up and cherished forever... I know, I know, get on with the fic, here you are, lady's and gents:

Disclaimer: Not mine, not yours, well whose are they, why the incredible J.K. Rowling's of course. Love her! (Could I be any more annoying? Taking obnoxious to new highs, or lows...)

***

The first thing Hermione thought when she pulled herself from sleep was: "Oh shit, what the bloody hell have I done?" Then, upon further inspection of her surroundings she added: "Again."

Snape's arms held her tightly from behind, his bandaged arm a little weaker than the other. His face was nestled in her hair and his breath was soft and even on her cheek. _Oh, Severus, good gods, do we ever think?!_

There was really no way she could get out of this mess easily. He was wrapped too tightly around her, and somehow their legs had become tangled in a way impossible to extricate herself without waking him. She needed time to think away from him, away from his musky and intoxicating scent, away from his arms holding her and his body pressed up against her in a most delicious manner. She hated this, and she hated him. Sex is what had ruined them in the first place and she would be damned if she'd made the same mistake twice. 

_What the hell, what the bloody hell did you think would happen?! Not only is this an open invitation to treat you like an object of lust and get away with it, but his subconscious now has reason to believe he'll be rewarded for it. Didn't it seem a bit too easy when it began? You blame yourself for his faults just as much as he does._

Hermione sighed and closed her eyes. _But it did seem right at the moment, didn't it? And he never felt like that before, never came that close without a very large amount of lust and darkness staining everything we felt. _She heard him mutter something in his sleep, as usual it clearly wasn't a pleasant dream. Her heart wrenched and she began to absently stroke his healthy forearm. She came upon the tattooed skin there and looked down. 

The Dark Mark was there, glaring at her, reminding her of an ugly part of Severus that could possibly never be washed away completely. He'd redeemed himself a million times over in her mind for the things he'd done as a Death Eater, but still, it wasn't enough for him, and that fact bothered her more than anything. It was still with him, she knew, better than anyone. It had controlled him and began killing him slowly the moment Voldemort died.

She put a finger to it again and traced the path of the snake through the skull. She felt Severus tense and his breath caught in his throat. Her finger stopped in its tracks immediately and she removed her hand completely from his arm. 

They lay in silence for a moment before he spoke. "Hermione?" His voice was slightly ragged, from sleep and, she suspected, fear. She felt it in the way his body pressed against her, less now than before, and the way his arms released their hold somewhat. 

He took another breath and now she knew he was trembling, her heart wrenched again and she bit her lip to keep from speaking. He had something to say. "I . . . did you . . . you're all right, it wasn't . . ." he stopped and put a hand up to his face.

_Can this man ever love himself at these moments? _She turned in his arms and pulled him to her. To her surprise he wrapped his arms around her tighter and buried his face in her shoulder. He was mumbling something but she couldn't quite hear him. Hermione began to stroke his hair and leaned her head down next to his.

"I'm sorry, I'm so very, very, sorry . . ." he continued on for some time before she felt the wetness of his tears.

For once all the knowledge he'd given her about potions, and foolish wand-waving, and even life couldn't aid her in any way. Her emotions were clashing in a way that made her dizzy and completely confused. He was apologizing, and weeping in her arms, and it wasn't the first, she seriously doubted it would be the last. She loved him first, she wanted to stop him from saying any more and forgive him on the spot, forget what had happened and move on. Another part of her wanted to see him weak and helpless, begging for her mercy and not giving it to him, just so he could feel the vulnerability and pain he'd subjected her to every time she'd come to him. Yet, still another wanted him to have his cry, apologize and them forgive him, not forgetting at all what had happened, but moving on nonetheless. 

She needed to talk to someone real and stop debating with her multiple selves. It was truly obnoxious arguing with someone who knew you completely, and it didn't help that it made her feel quite mentally unstable. She needed Harry, or in the least Ron. She didn't want them to talk back, just to listen, and she wanted to get out her rage somewhere, it certainly couldn't be with Severus, no matter how much that thought interested her. First and foremost however, she needed to find a way to get out without hurting him or leaving before he was once more composed. The inner dialogue was not the most appealing alternative but really, she had no other choice. Hermione sighed inwardly and began to stroke his hair once more.

_So Granger, you going to listen to us this time or do we have to leave you out in the cold with a little weeping Severus to deal with._

She supposed she would listen.

***

_Snape, are you kidding me?_

Severus ignored the posh voice from within and focused on Hermione and his desperate need to make everything up to her. It wasn't possible to express what he felt for her in words, or ever actions. His whole being ached for her but sometimes he couldn't control part of that, something he would never be rid of. 

He pulled her closer and tried to stop his sobs, they were just as embarrassing as Lucius was making them out to be, she was the victim here, not him. He stopped himself soon enough and pulled back a bit covering his face and wishing she didn't stay when she so clearly wanted to leave. He didn't want to push her away, he'd done enough of that lately, but he didn't want to make her stay for something she didn't need or want to hear.

He wanted the tell her he needed her, that he wanted her more than anything. Most of all he wanted to tell her he loved her, everything about her, the way she looked when she was unsure about something, the way she touched his face when there weren't words to say what they needed to communicate, even the way she pensively comforted him when she needed to get out. 

He would make it easier for her to ask, it was the least he could do. He opened his eyes and looked into hers for a moment, and there was that tentative, beautiful, unsure look that made the bittersweet emotions swell up and drown him. He leaned over and kissed her forehead, lingering for a moment and breathing in her scent. "Go ahead," her whispered against her skin, "go talk to whoever or whatever and stop trying to keep me from doing myself in." He pulled away and looked at her again, this time surprise and thanks were present, but she didn't move to speak, just nodded. "I'll be here, in one piece, when you get back."

Hermione kissed him softly and brushed her fingertips against his cheek before gathering her robes and disappearing out the door. Snape sighed and rolled onto his back.

_You let the mud-_

Shut-up Lucius.

Severus smiled.

***

Hermione stepped outside Snape's front door and apparated . . . right onto Harry's doorstep. She rubbed a hand over her face and smoothed her robes as much as they could be smoothed before knocking. Harry opened the door a few seconds later and smiled broadly. 

"I was getting worried. Thought I might have to get some friends and storm the Snape House." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her inside, shutting the door behind her.

"The 'Snape House', since when did you call it that?"

"Never mind that, what happened?"

Hermione smiled and shook her head. "Honestly, Harry you act like Lavender and Parvati when we were in school, _Teen Witch_ lack enough gossip for you?"

He shook his head and began to get water for tea, he gestured to the pot and she nodded. "You wouldn't have come here with your robes wrinkled if it wasn't important." She blushed and he eyed her warily before sighing. "Please tell me nothing happened between you two? My best friend would not fall into this hellish cycle again." Hermione just looked at him, at a loss for words. "Not the one who got top marks at school," nothing, "not the one who dumped Viktor Krum for being a total prat?" Hermione stared intently at the counter she sat at.

Harry pushed her mug in front of her and took a sip of his shaking his head. "Well at least this time you're not asking to use my shower and sobbing uncontrollably in my scared witless arms."

Hermione looked up at that comment and smiled warmly. "At least," she said quietly, and he could tell she wasn't at all in pain, but it wasn't exactly real happiness either.

"Why don't you just tell me then."

Hermione took a sip of her tea before sitting back and looking at him. "When I found him," she paused and he could tell it wasn't a pleasant memory at all. "He was . . . indisposed."

Harry narrowed his eyes and Hermione slumped in her chair. "He had mutilated his arm so badly I couldn't heal it all myself. He was not far from dying of blood loss and there was something not quite right about the way he handled himself. There was," _Is, _ she added mentally, "something going on inside him that I don't understand. I'm not sure he understands it, but it has something to do with that damn mark."

Harry came around and sat across from her, placing a hand on hers and squeezing gently. "There aren't any other Death Eaters in regular society, all of them are in Azkaban or dead, we don't know exactly what that thing does to them, but even the Dementors couldn't make someone as insane as some of those people are. 'Mione, a lot of the aurors I've talked to who have seen these people think Voldemort did something to it, he stays with them in a way. I don't think he's fully gone."

Hermione shuddered and looked up at Harry, that meant something coming from him. If anyone would know that Voldemort was back it would be Harry, and if anyone could gauge the thing's strengths, it was still him. "I thought along those lines too, but I dismissed them, I thought it wasn't possible, but Severus wasn't himself the night he and I . . ." she swallowed and Harry nodded. "It wasn't him."

Harry nodded. "So what else happened."

"I cleaned him up, he was stubborn, but more so than usual, eventually he gave in." Hermione left out the part about Snape weeping in her arms, some things only they would know, this was one of them, he could never be that vulnerable in front of anyone else, not even Dumbledore. 

"The next morning he tried to get me to leave, I didn't listen, I didn't want him to hurt himself again, and I'd caught on to this pushing people away game long ago. We had a bit of an . . . encounter," Harry's grip on her hand tightened slightly but she continued. "Something happened and he just stopped, he looked like he'd been hit by the Cruciatus, he left and when I went to talk to him later . . ." Hermione didn't know how to describe it.

"Did he hurt you?"

Hermione shook her head violently. "No, no, he was so disgusted with himself, and I couldn't let him think he was who he thought he was." Hermione paused and looked up at Harry, he didn't seem to follow. "We had sex." He flinched slightly at that narrowed his eyes again. 

"It was different Harry, different than anything I'd ever experienced. I can't believe I took it that far, I can't believe I had no qualms about it at the time, but I did and I didn't. He told me he loved me," Harry looked surprised, "he didn't know I was awake, of course."

They sat for a moment and Hermione took another sip of her tea. "So then why are you here, 'Mione?"

She sat back and looked up at him. "I don't know, I couldn't stay there and think that maybe I did it for pity, or to satisfy my own needs. I love him Harry, I just don't know if he can handle that. I have no clue if I can handle that he loves me back."

Harry smiled and pulled her out of her seat pushing her towards the door. "If there's one think I've learned about love in my life, it's that you can't go to anyone but yourself and the person you love for advice." Hermione looked back at him and moved to speak but he put a hand up. "No, sorry, love, I'm taken. Talk to Snape, that's all I have to say."

With that he pushed her out the door and closed it firmly behind him. Hermione looked to the sky and saw that it was about to rain. She sighed and made to apparate. "The Snape House," she said with a grin.

***


	12. Absolution and Salvation

A/N: I did it, I actually did it. A new chapter in just a few days. We should all mark our calendars. I hope you like this one and it lives up to everyone's expectations of their little chat. If it's too cliche and cheesy let me know and I'll work with it again. I read it over and didn't think it was too bad. Anyhoo, thanks so much for all the reviews I've received, it helps when you're wishing for sleep but unable to find it. And I'm glad someone liked Harry, I like to think that's what their relationship would evolve into, Harry grows enough in each book for me to believe he'd be a stable, reasonable, fun guy to be around by this time. Okay, I've wasted enough of your time now, have fun reading! (Oh yeah, 'attendre' is for you, loup-garou!! go howl at the moon tonight!)

Disclaimer: I took Sev and 'Mione without permission, but J.K., please don't sue, I have no money to be had. (I need to get out more...)

***

Hermione made it to the house just as rain began to fall. It had been some time since she had seen rain, and that was odd. She had spent some time in Southern France just after Voldemort's downfall and her falling out with Snape and Provence in the summer was not renowned for its rainy weather. There was something about rain that she absolutely loved. Maybe it reminded her of home, of childhood, of Hogwarts, maybe just of England period. In any case, she couldn't imagine going for very long without it. 

She reached up to open the door but stopped. A mischievous smile crept across her features and she took off her heavy cloak pulling her hair back and stepped out into the rain. Liberation was the first thing she thought of, then forgiveness. She felt like dancing, she felt like running around the grounds yelling out whatever came to mind and letting herself go completely. 

She thought back to Harry's words. Talking to Severus was going to be no easy task, quite daunting actually, but she was sure, if she could just get out all the repressed emotion of the past few days into the open --into the rain-- she could face him with an open heart and pull him from whatever had him in its grasp. She just twirled around for a moment, still feeling childish and silly, until something with much more authority in her took over and she began to let go of herself with as much enthusiasm as she had intended. 

***

Severus realized that somehow he'd managed to fall asleep on the floor of the laboratory once more. His back ached but his head was clearer than it had been in months. There was no Lucius attempting to rouse him from his much needed rest and raise hell in his head. There was no burning, ripping sensation in his left arm. In fact, even his right arm with all its cuts and tears felt better. 

_I suppose telling him to shut-up more often would do me some good,_ he thought smugly to himself. He grabbed his robes and walked up to the master bedroom, throwing them in the corner where they were quickly snatched away by an incredibly inconspicuous house elf. _Thank the gods they don't ask questions,_ he thought, glancing into the once bloody and broken bathroom next to his room. 

He stepped into the shower and turned it on letting out a heavy sigh as the water hit his body. He leaned against the wall of the shower and closed his eyes. This was one of the few places he could get the solitude he needed to think things through. The water could relax his body as his mind wandered to places that needed his full attention to visit. Of course, there was one place it usually wandered to first.

_Hermione . . ._

At least for the past year he'd been free of her influence over his body and mind for possibly a month altogether. Now she was back for what seemed like longer than he'd hoped for in months. 

_If you can keep her,_ he thought with a sigh. _Ai, there's the rub._ He smirked and rubbed a hand over his face and through his hair. _She may be completely above you and everything you've ever stood for, Severus, but she doesn't know it yet. Perhaps, you could attempt to keep it that way for more than five minutes this time?_

She had left earlier, to see Potter, he guessed. If she came back after talking to him, Snape was lucky indeed, and if she was willing to let him grovel for her, he was the luckiest man alive. That was really all he could hope for, that she would allow him to have an attempt and showing her what she really meant to him.

Finally, he tired of standing and washed his hair. He pulled on some black robes and shook out his hair, hoping maybe this time it wouldn't stay so lanky if he let it dry on its own. He was never one to care about his appearance, but with Hermione he figured he needed all the help he could get. When he finished in his rooms and walked downstairs he started to get a bit anxious. She'd been gone nearly two hours now.

_Maybe she just isn't coming back period?_ He pushed away the traitorous thoughts immediately and made himself some tea. He sat back in his study and sipped at the hot liquid, hoping it would relax him. _You take a shower, stand in there for nearly half an hour, and yet still, you cannot manage to relax. It's amazing what you do to yourself._ He forced himself to stop tensing at every hint of her arrival. 

He would read, but there was no use trying to concentrate when his mind always wandered to thoughts of her. He heard something outside but refused to get his hopes up. If it was her, she would come in when she was ready, there were no wards or locks she wasn't able to get through. Resorting to childish methods of distraction seemed his only hope.

"Attendre. J'attends, tu attends . . ."

***

Hermione at last tired of her trip back to childhood and trudged back to the front door. She was soaked through every layer of clothing and quite content to be. She felt free, of everything, and most of all, of that weight on her shoulders she'd been carrying ever since she woke up in Severus' arms. She cast a quick drying spell on her clothing to keep from dripping on his floors but left her hair wet to keep some reminder of the power she had to wash everything away. It was stupid, she knew, and probably somewhat dangerous to allow herself to flounce around wet when a cold was the last thing she needed. No potion could counteract the effects of a wet head and overstressed mind.

She opened the door and stepped into his home, once their home. It was another atmosphere, but not unpleasant, just different, she couldn't explain in words exactly what it felt like in his element. It was a charge laced with depressants, but she still enjoyed it to some degree. 

"Severus?" There was a brief sense of deja vu when she realized the house was dark and silent, but then she heard his voice.

"Hermione?" It was relief, fear, and joy all combined into one completely Severus-esque package. She smiled and walked into the study. He had just stood, his empty mug of tea next to him, his hair wet and disheveled as she had never seen it. He was continually running his fingers through it to try to tame and (_was he seriously_) fluff it at the same time. 

"I didn't know if you would come back." It sounded cliche and weak even as he said it, but he couldn't stop himself. It wasn't as if she didn't realize the control she had over him after today. 

She smiled slightly and stepped a bit closer to him, reaching out to take his hand in what she hoped was a comforting gesture. "I just needed to think things through." He looked down at their hands and nodded. "Severus-" suddenly her throat constricted and she couldn't speak, she could barely breathe. He clearly thought she had the control here, he was standing there like a dog with its tail between its legs, but what he didn't know was he had just as much of an effect on her. 

He looked up when she stopped and his eyes narrowed slightly. His hand came up and he fingered a strand of loose and wild hair. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and he pulled her to him. They stood there for a moment, listening to each other breath, both silently rejoicing that the other wasn't pushing them away, rather, clinging to them.

"There's so much I want to say to you, and there's just as much that I want to hear."

His hand rubbed her back and he closed his eyes. "What I've done . . . it's unforgettable in the worst sense of the word. I've hurt you in every way possible."

"Severus-"

He pulled back to look at her. "No, Hermione, I need to say this, I need to at least endeavour to explain to you exactly what I feel." She nodded and he pulled her to the small couch in the other corner of the room. She sat with her head on his shoulder and his hands absently stroking her hair.

"You've known me at my worst, and some things I've shared with you, consciously or not, I've shared with no one else. There is nothing I can say to make up for the things I've made you see, or what I've done to you," Hermione squeezed his hand slightly and he paused. "When I left the Death Eaters I never thought I could experience anything remotely close to what you've made me feel."

His voice took on a ragged edge and she could feel him begin to shake slightly. "I couldn't comprehend love, loyalty, morality, certainly not kindness or absolution. I pushed you away for so long because I could not control myself, that side of me that won't listen to reason, that takes over completely and leaves me floating on a cloud void of responsibility or the ability to stop it." He was shaking more now and she pressed herself closer to him in an effort to pass whatever love she could through to him without interrupting.

"I have hated myself, I have hated everyone, even --though it pains me to admit-- you. I hated you for not letting me not love you, and I hated you for loving me in return, I hated you most of all because you didn't hate me when I gave you every reason to, something that would have given me more than enough reason, and it makes me realize that I am less than half the person you are." He turned to her then and took her face in his hands, his eyes shone with an earnestness and healthiness that she had never seen before in him. 

"I love you, Miss Granger, even though everything you've forced me to see in myself I hate, without you I could not even begin to overcome these demons. You are my salvation and my life and the fact that I'm admitting it without veritaserum should let you know just how much you've done to pull me out of this abyss of self-pity."

He stopped then, out of breath and out of whatever it was that had kept him going. Hermione looked at him for a moment, he was exhausted and pathetic, but beautiful at the same time. All she wanted to do was take him in her arms and love him until he knew nothing else, but he needed more reassurance than that, and frankly, so did she. 

She mirrored his actions and took his face in her hands, stroking her fingers along the sides of his cheeks and smiled. "I can't put it nearly as eloquently as you, or make you feel anything near the ecstasy you put me in every time you allow me to get near you. I love you for the same reasons I put up with you, because you are a good man beneath the darkness that you've spent half your life plastering on, and the other half scraping off. But, Severus, you can rest assure that the next time you get too close to the goodness underneath, I'll stop you before you draw blood . . . if you'll let me."

It had to be said, even if it hurt them both to admit something he couldn't control ruled his mind and body on some occasions. She didn't like to see him weak, and he hated the show her that he could be, but he wasn't afraid to anymore, and he could be certain she wouldn't mock him in his vulnerability.

He pulled her to him and rested his cheek against hers, caressing her hair and stroking her back. "I'm sick and tired of hiding from you, I just want to feel love without the pain."

"I won't let you forget what it's like ever again," she whispered before disregarding everything but him.

***


	13. Past Lovers and Future Living

A/N: So here's the end of Part I, there'll be more to come soon, he still has some things to get rid of and take part in. So no fear loyal readers, it'll all be resolved. I plan to start another fic, some plotbunny that won't leave me be, and now my schedule seems to be cleared up for some time. The poem at the end is one that I just liked and made me think of Sev and 'Mione, it's by Roy Croft. In any case, thanks for all the great reviews, and continue to do so. Thanks for staying with me!

Disclaimer: No money, no foul, they ain't mine.

***

"I knew it, I knew it! No one believed me that somehow Potter had managed to get him out, but I could see that little twinkle in Albus' eyes that just infuriated me even more."

Hermione grinned wickedly and turned Severus' face toward hers. "You can't still think that it would have been better if Sirius had been given the Dementor's Kiss, can you?"

Severus averted his eyes and sighed. "I suppose not, but," he added wishing she wouldn't smile like that when he was trying to make a point, "you still broke the rules, and I looked like a fool."

Hermione rolled over on top of him and brushed the hair out of his eyes. "Did you ever really care what Fudge thought? All the people that mattered knew you were right," he rolled his eyes and she leaned down to whisper in his ear, "I rather enjoyed your tirade now that I think about it. How could I have been so blind to a man so obviously full of passion?"

She let his lips brush against his skin and then moved to sit up, straddling him, when he let out a small moan. "Now it's your turn, what's the real story with you and Lupin?"

He sighed and gave her a withering glare. "Must you proceed in this line of questioning? It's not even interesting."

His hands began to move up her thighs but she pushed them down. "Tsk, tsk, Professor Snape, no prize until I hear a straight answer."

"What is it, precisely, that you wish to know?" he asked, annoyance and frustration creeping into his voice, more evident than he intended. 

Hermione tapped her finger against her chin in mock-contemplation. "Why don't you start from the beginning." He raised an eyebrow, complete with an accompanying sigh. "Okay, fine, what do I want to hear? Well, for starters, he's one of the few people who didn't shy away or vehemently dislike you, save Dumbledore, when I was in school, you spent more hours concocting wolfsbane, and finally the lycanthropy antidote, than anyone else ever did, and I have a really hard time believing that you hated him, or pretended to, because of the shrieking shack incident alone, you're too rational to hate him so much for something he quite obviously wasn't in on."

Silence for a moment until: "I didn't ever hate him," he said quietly in a tone that made Hermione stop and look back down at him. "I was concerned for the safety of the students, both because he was a werewolf and because of Black. My inappropriate behavior concerning his resignation was spurred on mostly by his connection with Black, his transformation, and I knew he knew about whatever had happened that night. I went-"

"What was the other reason?"

"Pardon?"

"Don't play dumb with me, you said mostly by his connection with Black, etc., what else was it?"

He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his tangled mess of hair. Hermione smiled, she knew he hated to have his hair in such a disarray, but she hoped to make it even more so by that morning. "We went to school together, as you know, and he was the only student who ever showed any compassion for me."

"What about other Slytherins?"

"Those were alliances, we looked out for one another because we hated everyone else and it benefited us to do so. There was more violence, still is, within the house than we ever committed outside the common room."

Now he had her full attention, she had never thought Slytherin students were any different when it came to how they related to their own house than any of the others. "I suppose having a Gryffindor who showed any compassion toward you was not wise."

He shook his head. "No, I never fully appreciated it until I had to make the choice whether or not to become a Death Eater, my own house had ostracized me. Remus kept the Marauders from provoking me at that time, I wouldn't have put it past me to have killed one of them, the mindset I was in. Somehow he knew what was going on, he tried to tell me to keep up what I was doing, eventually I'd be out of school and the Death Eaters couldn't touch me."

He stopped and turned his head away, his eyes were focused on some point she couldn't see. Hermione settled herself next to him, her head on his chest. She reached up and squeezed his hand, urging him to continue. "I'm not going to blame Sirius for what I did, but I can say that I felt more betrayed by Remus than anyone, and it wasn't until that point that I seriously contemplated either suicide or Voldemort. Both I suppose, were forms of death."

Hermione kept hold of his hand, she could feel his grip on her tighten. "What was it then? I mean, if it wasn't the Shrieking Shack, what made you chose them?"

He was silent for a moment, not because he was hesitant to say but more due to the fact he hadn't revisited this time since Hermione's third year, when Remus had forced him to rethink things. "Lucius was the only person left who had even come close to understanding me. He took care of me after I found the werewolf, he seemed to care about nothing more than my well being. I felt that Lucius would never betray me, but he had done so the moment he suggested joining. I never saw it, I just went along with him because I loved him like a brother, and I thought he felt the same way."

Hermione pulled herself up on her elbow to look at him, she hadn't meant for the conversation to go in this direction, but a part of her was glad it had. They still had things to discuss concerning the Dark Mark and its effects, maybe this would shine some light on a way to remove it. Now, though, she had to find a way to keep him from retreating back into himself, to stop him from running away now that they had come so close to finally understanding one another. 

"It should never have happened to you." She knew it was not at all what he wanted to hear, or needed for that matter, but she had to say it, had to reassure him as best she could.

"Why? Because I'm good, because I was a victim? I assure you, I'm certainly not the former, and as for the latter I victimized many more than made me victim."

"It may be easier for you to blame yourself and pretend like you have nothing good in you, but when you start to believe it, it insults me. I wouldn't give myself completely, my mind, body, soul, my trust, to a man who wasn't good, or who didn't deserve it."

The fire in her eyes made him smile slightly and he nodded. "I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't apologize, just believe in my judgment for once." She leaned down and kissed him softly. They sat for a minute in silence before she spoke again. "So, you hated Remus that whole time? Until Dumbledore had you working together on the lycanthropy potion?"

Severus shook his head and looked back at her. "No, I spoke with him during your third year, things were very much resolved then, until Black's return. I hurt Remus to hurt Black, because I knew that bastard was out there laughing at me, and the only Marauder left to take out my anger and frustration on was Remus. That summer, I apologized, I was still supplying him with wolfsbane, and Dumbledore wanted us to work on a cure, it would have been rather uncomfortable without a truce."

"So you two were friends, then?"

Something flashed in his eyes in the few seconds before he answered that Hermione was unsure she understood. "Well . . . yes."

She narrowed her eyes and forced him to look at her. "What were you just thinking?"

"What?"

"Didn't I warn you about trying to pull things?"

"I'm not trying to 'pull' anything."

"I'll get the veritaserum."

"Please don't threaten me, young lady, it doesn't suit you."

"Don't play with me professor, I have you in a precarious position," she whispered straddling him once more and holding his wrists.

"I think I rather enjoy it this way."

"Talk," she grinned wickedly then, "or you won't have it any way at all."

He sighed and glared at her in a way that would have made any first year run shrieking from the room. "We were . . ."

"Yes . . ."

"You know you don't have to enjoy this so much."

"Don't stall."

"We were a bit more than that. We were . . ." He muttered something that she couldn't quite make out.

"What was that Professor, I didn't know you had trouble with diction," she whispered, enjoying herself entirely too much.

"We were lovers, for a short time," he added quickly seeing the look of disbelief cross her face only to be quickly replaced with one of utter amusement that made him entirely too embarrassed to sustain it. "If you're quite finished now I think I'll go clean up."

"Oh no you don't," she said getting back her firm hold of his wrists. "I had no idea," she smiled again. "So professor, was all that time in the lab really necessary? I bet werewolves are quite the shag, and I was rather attracted to those amber eyes of his."

"I'd rather not hear about your werewolf fetish so let me go. I didn't tell you so that you could throw it in my face. Now would you kindly, get off!"

His apparent discomfort only spurred her further on. "Oh come on, Severus, don't tell me you wouldn't get some measure of delight after hearing about some fling of mine that I'd be embarrassed to mention."

"I never said I was embarrassed, just that I'd prefer not to dwell on it. As you know, Remus is involved, as, at least until I find I way to rid myself of you, am I."

Hermione leaned down and kissed him, pressing her body against his. "You don't really want to be rid of me that quickly, do you?" she asked with a playful glint in her eyes before moving her lips to his exposed collarbone. 

_No, _he thought as his hands roamed up her sides, _not quickly at all._

***

"When did you start this?" she asked quietly, her fingers brushing lightly against his bandages.

Severus furrowed his brow and was silent for a moment. "The beginning of my seventh year, after I had begun acting on Voldemort's orders."

She stroked his face lightly, her fingers running over his skin in a way that he had always loved. His eyes were closed and to her he looked like a sleeping child, vulnerable and bared completely to her. "Why?"

He opened his eyes slightly and regarded her sadly. "I had no other way of getting any sensation into me after I did things for him. It was a complete numbness that I decided I didn't like."

Tears threatened to fall but she held them back, he wouldn't understand why she was upset. When his emotions and thoughts were where they were now, he'd only expect pity or disdain, and she didn't want him to think she felt either of those. 

"Lucius didn't understand, he wouldn't let me do it if he could stop me. I became fairly adept at hiding in places he didn't know about. There are places in the school that still reek of blood and tears to me."

Hermione kissed his cheeks and brushed his hair back. "I was afraid of what you would do if I left you, that night that you had first tried the new potion. I saw your arm and I didn't know what to do."

"You should never have seen any of this, I've forced too much unnecessary knowledge on you."

"I don't think I would categorize it as unnecessary, actually I'd say it's the opposite."

He took a deep breath and pulled her to him. "Not anymore it isn't. Voldemort is gone, and so are his followers. The world is a different place now."

They sat in silence, both trying to understand exactly what that meant for them. 

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"I think that it's probably best if we face it together."

"So do I, love."

***

End of Part I

__

Love

I love you,

Not for what you are,

But for what I am

When I am with you.

I love you,

Not only for what

You have made of yourself,

But for what

You are making of me.

I love you

For the part of me

That you bring out;

I love you

For putting your hand 

Into my heaped-up heart

And passing over

All the foolish, weak things

That you can't help

Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out

Into the light

All the beautiful belongings

That no one else had looked

Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you

Are helping me to make

Of the lumber of my life

Not a tavern

But a temple;

Out of the works

Of my every day

Not a reproach

But a song.

I love you 

Because you have done

More than any creed

Could have done

To make me good,

And more than any fate

Could have done

To make me happy.

You have done it

Without a touch,

Without a word,

Without a sign.

You have done it

By being yourself.

Perhaps that is what

Being a friend means,

After all.

-Roy Croft


End file.
